I got a phone call from a second potential employer, who mentioned that they employed another student from my school. I made it through the actual phone call okay.

***
After, I completely freaked. The feeling of total out-in-the-void-naked exposure I get. Like everyone in the world can see right through me and knows how bad I am. Like I made a complete fool of myself, should have known better than to try.

I think I was triggered because I withdrew so much at the end of school that I'm afraid the other student will describe me as a weirdo or loner or gross freak.

***
I felt bad, defective, ashamed, foolish, transparent. I have tourette's, and I was tic'ing up a storm. Pinching my skin and letting out a lot of verbal tics (in those situations I say words about suicide and dying and hating people/myself).

I could not self-soothe. I could not say affirmations or slow down to journal. I couldn't breathe or meditate.

***
This happens to me a lot. I feel too vulnerable and will literally run from situations.

I start pacing and walking really fast.
I will start to go into a store and leave really fast if I'm triggered.
I will walk past a room I was going to go into.
I will start an action, drop it, do something else, drop it...in circles.
I will drive aimlessly, and too fast or keep changing directions.
I tic and want to hurt myself (I don't self injure except pinching/scratching that I have always done when I feel exposed)

I just get this really fast-moving, impulsive "run away" energy and if I'm stuck in one place it is agony. Today, logging onto here and responding to someone helped. I felt connected.

***
I'm wondering if anyone else who is AvPD experiences this? I also have very strong borderline PD traits and coping mechanisms; those center around feeling abandoned/invalidated instead of feeling rejected. My frantic episodes are often connected to the feeling of being "seen" too much, as opposed to times when I feel "misunderstood" (and am likely to fight or explode instead of feeling anxious or running away).

Sorry, I know this was long but thought I would try to sort this out and see if it sounds familiar to anyone else? I feel like people with AvPD and other anxiety disorders are usually seen as sort of quiet and gentle; but I also flip out if pushed too hard!

Ugh. Definitely feeling better, anyway! Hugs to all. It helps to vent.