Even when I was little, I always felt a strange emptiness. I never had much confidence and I've always had anxiety issues, which were easy to deal with then by avoiding anything that made me feel bad. This became the norm, and now I'm 19 years old and live as if I were agoraphobic. I'm not afraid to leave the house, I simply don't see the point. I graduated high school just barely (missed two years of it), and now I do nothing at all.

I only ever did what was required of me. I went to school, then I came straight home and escaped into the world of video games. This was basically 10 years of my life.

Around age 12, that emptiness grew larger and I became very depressed for about 4 months. It was at that time that I adopted this "nothing matters" attitude that I have been unable to get rid of. It eats away at me. I cannot convince myself otherwise. It makes me want to kill myself.

Now I get mood swings and was diagnosed Bipolar 1 last year. They're quick, often hours, days, or maybe even a week or two. That's really only the "ups". The downs are mixed, angry, dysphoric, and sometimes even dissociative, and the lower I sink, the harder I spring up. I feel like a lunatic at times, but I confine myself to the room I'm typing this in most of the day so no one sees how sick I am. I'm not reckless, I don't spend my money on anything, nothing typical of mania or depression at all, but they're very distinct complicated feelings and states of mind that I find myself in constantly.

I'm diagnosed, but I seriously doubt that I have bipolar disorder. It feels like I damaged myself and this "hole" is the real problem, as it's only getting bigger. Meds don't work at all, which further convinces me my illness is trauma based.

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So, could this trauma be what activated the bipolar, or am I not bipolar at all, or am I merely an ultra rapid cycler--which I take is different from typical and rapid cyclers?

Should I keep trying meds, or should I focus on counseling? My last therapist said I was manic and refused to treat me unless I was "leveled out", but I think she gave up too easily. I get stressed and panicky sometimes, which may be mistaken for something else in the context of bipolar disorder. My pdoc said it's a very sticky label.