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I know what I'm doing wrong. I can't make myself go to see T. I DO try. I panic and cancel. I feel awful , suicidal and depressed. T knows that and tries to get me to make appointments. I have a hard time leaving the house at all. I find other ways to sabotage myself though. I take meds just to put me to sleep....so I don't have to get out of bed at all. I've started seeing other men again too. "I" have NO desire to do this but some insiders do, obviously. I am wrong and I know it and hate everything about me. My T knows some of what;s going on but I am embarassed to talk about it with him. I am not a tramp....I've never acted out like this before and I hate it. It seems like everything I do, whether cancelling T or fooling around, or the pills, (they don't feel in my control at all) is a set up for me to fall hard. I'm getting off track now...I don't understand why I am doing this. I try to control or stop what I'm doing, but can't. This doesn't even make sense to me now...the whole post is stupid. I'm sorry..I don't even have the right because I haven't been here in so long...GOD I hate myself. I don't know what I need or expect for a response, but someone please say something please.
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