This isn't about you being bad. The only thing that concerns me about what you wrote is that it sounds like you're struggling so much. I just wish I could say the right thing to encourage you to let your therapist help because I know that sort of self loathing is just...truly awful.

Is there any way you could make a list of things that need to happen for you to follow through with a therapy appointment so that you can have some help with this? Could you be really concrete about the things that happen when you decided not to go? Like when you make up your mind that you won't go, what you do instead, how you feel about the decision not to go? Then maybe look into changing that or working towards something different. I know it's possible to work through an enormous level of panic, even when it feels impossible. Is there anything that you know would help you? Anything that your therapist has done that makes returning easier at the moment?

I always think the most important thing is professional help, so if there was any way to help support yourself to get it, I'd really encourage that, but it sounds like you're feeling lost and not sure what to try next. I'm glad you asked for help here.