I don't know you i'm new here, but I think yu seem overwhelmed, i know as I feel that way often. sometimes I can get nothing done and wen I wake up in the morning sometimes I used to not be able to get out of bed for good. I wished to be bedridden from aarthritis as it's so hard to even move. The reasons why and knowing what your going through probably go together, but stick in there, the feelings and thoughts can be controlled with medications, are you on any. I used to fight taking my meds but just gave up not knowing I was getting better from them and I'm to the point where I never want to be without them. It totally changes your perspective so just continue taking your meds, it may take awhile but you'll be thanking yourself in the end.