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Originally Posted by ThatGirl47
Hello all. Ever since I can remember I have thought a lot about death. It's not suicidal thoughts. I just contemplate what happens when you die, what kinds of afterlife there are (if any exist), who would come to my funeral if I died and ways to die.
I have never seriously contemplated suicide but I have thought of ways to do it a lot. When I get bored I just let my mind wander to the different ways there are to kill yourself and if I was to kill myself which way I would do it.
I also think a lot about who would come to my funeral. I have moved about 3 times in my life and have come into contact with many people who know me and claim they care for me. I just would want to know if my friends I had whilst living in California would come to my funeral if it was in Pennsylvania and vice versa. I want to know exactly who cares just enough to actually come and wish my soul off to the afterlife.
I am fascinated by death and how a person can be so lively one minute and just as easily dead in the next. I also think a lot about the tranquility of death and how right after you die all of the responsibilities you hold have instantaneously disappeared because you have ceased to be. These thoughts keep me up at night and I can't turn them off which lead into dreams of me dying different ways and watching my funeral. It's actually terrifying sometimes at night because those dreams are ridiculously real, due to my extremely vivid imagination.
I just can't get these thoughts out of my head and I do not feel like they are normal anymore. They happen regardless of if I'm happy or sad and they come on completely suddenly and I get distracted by them or make me stop what I'm doing no matter what it is (even if I really enjoy it). It's strange; I know these thoughts of death can be a sign of depression but I always thought you had to have something tragic happen to you or actually be sad in order to be depressed. I'm just confused by all of this.
Am I alone with having these thoughts or do you all get them too?
Is depression even a possibility in my case?
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Personally I am very depressed, and have attempted suicide, last time was back in '06. But have become firmly convinced that it would ruin the lives of my daughters, and my religion tells me I would go to hell. However, I find myself longing for a "solution" that would be being able to contact a fatal disease that would kill me sooner rather than later.
That way I wouldn't be the one responsible, I would be able to say my goodbyes, and although my family would miss me horribly, it would be "mom died of a horrible disease" rather than not wanting to admit the awful stigma of suicide.