((((Mara)))) I can completely relate. I have been stuck in that loop the past few days. I want to get outside of my head, because remembering everything hurts so much, but. I also am withdrawing because I am stuck and being alone feels like the safest place to be right now. I desperately want to get unstuck, though, and start moving forward again...I am counting the days until I have the chance to meet with my new T. I am feeling hopeful that having someone to talk to irl, as well, will get me going again.

I also have a lot of anger toward my "family" right now, because I feel as though had they been there for me in the first place, I would have had learned better coping skills and would have maybe even had the opportunity to deal with all the past traumas properly so it would not become so severe as ptsd.

I think that is why I am still so frustrated and angry about my pdoc's secret, surprise dx that I discovered in my paperwork. My past, my life, the last 30 years just feel like a huge waste. A lesson in spinning my wheels and banging my head against the wall.

The positive news is that with my great former T, dbt and the love, support, wisdom and guidance from my friends here on PC, I have been able to make great steps forward. It takes time to unravel everything but it is well worth it.

I am not sure this is helping...I mostly want you to know I understand and you are not alone