I just wrote a long response an it disappeared....

I've done a lot of thinking and I DO know that since my father died, my life has been slipping. Now I think I know the tipping point. A few weeks before Thanksgiving, which also happens to be the anniversary of my fathers death, I still hadn't heard about any family plans, so I called my mother to offer to host it at my house. When she responded with "Now don't be mad" I knew it was going down hill fast. It seems that my brother is suddenly bothered by the fact that we have little contact. We see each other on holidays but that's it. I have tried to maintain contact but it isn't welcomed. He invited my mother to his home but made it clear I was not invited, nor was my husband (for Thanksgiving) My mother went right along with this and never questioned him or his reasoning. I felt like I broke right then and there. I did a lot of crying, cursing, and yelling but got no answers as to why. I've been saying it felt that my brother held a lot of hatred for me, but mother just said it was nonsense. Well...I guess it wasn't nonsense. My mother made her choice and it sure wasn't me. She had all the excuses an when she ran out, she said I was upsetting her too much. I felt that I lost the small remaining family I had. Why did my brother pick THIS time of year to be honest about how he felt about me?
Sally Brown, (BTW I've thought of you also) I think I did what you mentioned about the body shutting down. The nonsense of this past year was too much, and I gave up. I was going to go down in flames. I felt I died that day, when no one stood up for me. I've been waking up crying, and randomly crying through out the day since then. I cannot explain what's wrong though, if anyone asks me why. No one outside the family sees this dynamic, but it IS killing me. I refused to care about anyone or anything, including me.
I hope this makes sense to you all. I do think this is at least part of why I have crashed and burned like I did. It may not sound like a big deal, but it killed what was left of my soul.