I cannot even imagine what you are going through. It is true that it is so lonely that the people closest to you cannot really understand your illness. My son went through periods where he was so unwell. He would mutilate himself with straight razors he would have to go to psych wards. It was my mission in life to help him get well but no matter what I did I could not do it. Unfortunately we do not have the power to fix things in another person no matter how desperately we try to. It is not right for our children to go before us I am so sorry you are suffering.