((Maranara)) and ((Rose too)),

I am soooo sorry that you had a mother that was so "self absorbed" and so completely "ignorant" in how to raise a child, knowing the "real needs of a child".

When we are just children growing up, we believe the things our parents tell us and show us. And when we don't get love, recognition, and praise we really struggle and develope "low self esteem" problems and even trust problems because of that.

And Rose is right, because of that "lack" we can genuinely struggle with any big life challenges that come our way because we don't have the foundation of "self assurance". A part of us never really developed the skill of "falling, hurting, having mother come tell us we are going to be ok, and offering love and reassurance".

When we struggle through PTSD and have a personal history "void" of something we really needed to "thrive", the "reveal" of finally seeing how it really shaped us is very difficult to learn. And that is because most people just think they are "born who they are" and that how they address challenges is simply about "who they are".

While we all do have genetics that give us certain talents and some charectoristics?
We are all born with pretty much a "clean slate" for a subconscious mind. So much of who we become depends on the kind of nurturing we get. We do imprint many of the personality traits that our mothers, siblings, father's, and extended family present to us. We slowly begin to develope a sense of values based on the values we learn from those around us.

It isn't so important what the "class" of people our parents are that gives us the healthiest sense of self either. A child can grow up with little in terms of where they live and what their mother/parents have and still be very well adjusted and "driven".

If a child is told that "things" are very important and they need to be happy because they have "things" like a big house, lots of toys and privilages, they simply "believe it". But if all those "things" are offered and that child doesn't get the appropriate "nurturing"? What they develope in their subconscious mind is "things" are what they need "most" to be balanced and happy. However, these children often struggle when it comes to "interacting" with others and being able to "feel self assured" as well as understand how to be "emotionally appreciated". Human beings are clearly not designed to grow up without "nurturing". Any balance in "emotional" well being can be verbalized too, "Dad was always kind and caring, Grandma really loved me and we had special times, or even my older sister was always so good to me". Even a caring teacher along the way can "save and fill that much needed nurturing".

We simply do not realize how our "sense of self worth" is formed. All children make efforts to seek approval and love. They try to be "seen and heard" in many different ways and can go to great lengths in even trying to "achieve" in order to gain recognition. However, if their efforts and met with "go away don't bother me" or "not now, I need to get my hair done" or "if you got a 90, why didn't you get 100" etc. That child will begin to develope a signal in their subconscious of, "if I try, if I achieve, I will only be hurt".

Maranara, many people who struggle with BPD, do so because of "neglect" and "lack of proper nurturing". They are often high achievers, and want to please, want to be loved, but they carry a deep pain where they feel that they will be hurt and somehow discarded. Often when they have relationships they try very hard to be nice and giving, until a point where they grow angry and even want to "provoke" the moment of rejection, just to break free of the feeling of "it will come, they will be hurt". They often will display "affection" the "kind of affection they themselves so desperately needed" however, when they get affection back, they simply do not know how to "accept it as a truth or real" so they begin to instead get "angry" and "desire to detach". This is the only way they feel they can "control" the pain. The person who has BPD, wants to be the one that "controls the pain" and they truely do not understand why they are like that either. And yes, some people who struggle with this disorder can become dangerous depending on the amount of damage they suffered in their past.

PTSD does present cycles of confusion that bring forward the "pain and tramas" from the subconscious mind. People with "complex" PTSD are those that have troubled childhood experiences where there was a "lack of a nurturing presence" to provide a calm, a solution, a sense of being loved, and permission to thive with that sense of "I am loved and important as a human being".

When we work with a therapist, we slowly talk about our childhoods and the people in our environment that helped to "shape and design our subconscious mind". Our brains are much like a computer that depends on the people that surround us for it's "programing" and "problem solving'. However, unlike a computer, the human brain's programing also includes "emotional health" as well. From the time we are born, we start to learn how to understand and use our "emotions". We slowly learn what emotions go with what experiences and all the information we take in is also attached to "emotions" that stay with us all our lives to remind us of "warnings, needs, feeling reward, danger, success and appreciation, forming boundaries and utilizing the defense of anger". Computers do not have "emotions", but for human beings, emotions are very important and these emotions help human beings find balance, drives, sense of self importance and value, and how to interact with other human beings in a way that strenghtens our ablity to maintain, "our own self esteem".

The process of finally "healing" is first "experiencing the pain" and whatever is in our personal history that "hurt us" and "where we lacked the proper emotional nurturing".
This stage of PTSD is very challenging because anyone who struggles with PTSD truely doesn't understand "why" they are suddenly unable to find emotional balance and contol. And the brain is actually injured and overwhelmed so anything that ever hurt us in our past that created an emotional imbalance makes us "very sensitive". And this period becomes so challenging and confusing that everyone that presents with it begins to isolate because they are so sensitive they struggle with any human interactions. And many begin to present with intrusive images that they experienced in their past where they felt very threatened and extremely emotionally confused. And when this happens the person is often completely taken over and flooded with fear and troubled emotions that they often get very confused and frightened.

The first part of PTSD is often very painful and confusing as well as exhausting. And the person becomes "desparate' and "very vulnerable" and "frightened" but also "angry". The anger can be strong because when we feel vulnerable, we do utilize anger for "self protection". However, we can also turn that anger inward as well because we suddenly become so overwhelmed that we begin to feel so completely unable to be understood by anyone at all. This is when it is very important to have the right kind of help, to gain access to professionals that know how to bring a sense of stablility and much needed sense of "safety". Then the person struggling can slowly learn "why" they are struggling and more importantly, that "they can be helped".

It is very "important" that a "therapist" understand PTSD and can first and foremost get the patient to feel safe and that there will finally be "the rescuer" that they are so desperately in need of. The therapist must be able to understand PTSD so they will "not" mistake the anger and agression that accompanies PTSD as another disorder. It is also important that a therapist understand that a person with PTSD will suffer "cycles" where they will be charged with energy and then fall into dispair.
A therapist who doesn't understand this "may" misdiagnose a patient with bipolar, which can lead to the patient getting confused.

One of the big problems that I have noticed about PTSD victims and have experienced myself is that "they are often misunderstood" and unless family members that they are exposed to are "instructed on what PTSD means and how to support the sufferer" the PTSD sufferer can be "further damaged or challenged unfairly".

Once someone that struggles with PTSD is finally told what it means and the symptoms they begin to experience a tremendous sense of relief because "someone knows what is wrong with them and promises it can be relieved". And if they are treated properly, they learn how to establish a "safe place" where they can experience a safe environment where they do not have any stimulation and can slowly quiet down and "rest". So the first phase of PTSD recovery is "first" understanding what it means and how to slowly gain "some" control over it.

The second phase of healing is finally gaining enough control and understanding of the tramas in our past that trigger an emotional warning which is accompanied by anxiety and confusion. And as the PTSD sufferer slowly addresses the trama or tramas they can finally "mourn" whatever was lost to them due to the tramas or in the case of "complex PTSD" whatever hurt or was not provided in "childhood".

This is when each person finally examines their subconscious mind, and how they adapted around "a lack of proper nurturing" and "disfunction" that was "never their fault" and hurt them more than they realized. This journey is not just about seeing others as "bad or purposely mean because the sufferer was unworthy", but that those who "neglected were themselves damaged".

As this process unfolds the complex PTSD sufferer begins to examine how these "disfunctional" people impacted how they think and utilize their emotions in ways they did not realize. And in this process the sufferer will finally mourn whatever the child in them did not receive in their nurturing that "could have" given them a much better sense of self and emotional balance. As this process takes place the sufferer will slowly "gain a sense of self" that they never had before as well. In this process the sufferer will be slowly gaining the "knowledge and understanding" that they never had before. This will slowly help the sufferer learn how to see others in a different light as well as develope new ways to form boundaries and restructure the emotions they struggled with before, into slowly being "reorganized" in "healthier ways". This stage is also "lengthy" and each person will be different depending on what they lacked in their personal history. However this process provides an increasing sense of personal gain and understanding, it brings on an increasing sense of "personal relief".

The final stage of "healing" is finally taking all that is learned and developing "empowerment" skills where the sufferer slowly "remaps" their mind with "better reasoning skills" so they can finally have more balance in themselves and actually learn to embrace their life and feel empowered to do so. And often these people have a sense of awareness and knowledge that many others do not have. This also takes time to adjust to as well.

So, it is important to understand Maranara, that while your mother "failed" you and you now do suffer from PTSD. You have to learn all the areas you need to finally understand how that affected the way you developed and how you can slowly work on "correcting it". You can learn to slowly "change" your understanding of yourself and how to finally get past that feeling that "you will only get hurt if you try to be loved".

Open Eyes