I have a few different problems going on physically and mentally. I have been formally diagnosed with PtSD, Bipolar 2, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Fibromyalgia and arthritis throughout my body. That being said, I am 46 year old man, recently divorced after 25 years of marriage. I have two great daughters, ages 24 and 17, and am soon to be a Grandpa for the very first time.

I was never in a war, so the PTSD didn't come from combat. Mine came from one of the most viscious step fathers any kid can have. When he punished us three boys, he punished us all even though only one made a mistake. We would have to stand with our shirts off against the wall and he would hit us with the buckle end of his belt until he got his anger out. More than once he tried to kill my oldest brother. He even tried to molest us. We protected each other. I was the youngest by quite a few years. Finally my Mom "kicked him to the curb". My real father took off when I was very young, so I never really knew him until much later in life. My two half brothers both have different fathers, and both of them also took off for good. My parents have been married nine times between them. Anyway, once my jackass of a stepfather was out of the picture, my older brother started to become like him. He would beat me until I learned to fight back hard, even though he was 7 years older and a lot bigger. He made me learn to hate, and to use that hate and anger to hurt others. I got into a lot of fights in life and won every one of them, because, as a kid, I was not allowed to lose. I was never abusive towards my wife or children, I could never put them through what I live through. Well, about a year ago, my therapist noticed I had a very high startle reflex and asked my life story. I told her and she quickly diagnosed me with PTSD, along with my other problems. I haven't shared this story with many others, because it's embarrassing and humiliating. The nightmares have stopped, but I still find myself on the borderline of rage towards others who, frankly, act like complete jerks. It's all I can do to control my anger. I can remember going to the doctor as a small kid and having the doctor remark about how many bruises I had all over my body. These days the authorities would have been contacted, back then the doctors just took note of it and usually didn't do anything. Needless to say, I had more bruised skin than non-bruised skin. I learned to take one hell of a beating in my lifetime, and not shed a tear. I want so badly to go after the man responsible for this. He is a frail old man now, so it wouldn't be worth the effort. But somehow I have to get this pent up anger out of me, it's held me back my whole life, along with the other problems I have. This has been a hard year, on January I almost died from septic shock from pneumonia, I had two near death episodes with massive overdoses of medications. I spent Thanksgiving in the hospital recovering from kidney surgery. Christmas I spent alone and very depressed. My own family has trouble knowing how to act around me, because they see how messed up I have become. For years I put band-aids on my problems by drinking and doing street drugs. Finally the "wheels came off the truck" and my life fell apart, as did my marriage. I am clean completely now, but alone and stuck in this rut of anger, depression, hatred, etc. Hopefully I haven't opened up too much too soon, I tend to do that because I have a lot on my chest that I have never been able to get of my chest. Thanks for reading.