Hi T

Please be there for me tomorrow. Please really be there, fully. I need that so much. I don't know how to put anything into words anymore. I wish you could see what I need sometimes. Are there not times when you could offer some things? When I'm clearly not brave enough to ask. Could you not help me to ask for some things or let me know it's okay to ask, instead of watching me suffer for so long? Could you please come back aware of your part in all of what's happened? I know some things that happened were just mistakes. Mistakes after mistakes. Some of them made me feel so small and I told you that.

Often it was your reaction and your words that hurt most of all, because they were more deliberate than the many other mistakes. Like when I told you how small your words were making me feel, when I made it obvious how badly I was coping with what you were saying. When I said you were making me feel like I was a number, you just confirmed that I was. That stuff hurt so much. You just continued on like that, saying so many other hurtful things and not responding at all. I've never felt worse in front of another person before that day, and you, my T, you ignored that. You added to the hurt. I still tried to apologise right at the end, for how bad the session had seemed, because I knew you were so angry. You didn't even look at me when I apologised. You opened the door and started talking to your next client. Like I was just a number.

I got back to my car and I couldn't believed I'd walked down the street looking like that. My face was so red and puffy. No one ever sees that and you just turned away, even as I tearfully said sorry at the door. Even the last time I saw you, after many more mistakes and weeks after that first bad session, I tried to talk to you about it and you just said "people cry when they are processing things". Processing things, like that I am just a number to the one person I've felt connected to like this? Like that person thinks I would be a bad mother? Just processing that she forgot some big details in my life? Like when she tells me she forgets my details because 15 other people told her the exact same thing. Processing that she was yelling again and again about how much I wasn't trying, even when I was actually trying my best. Or when she compared me to people who are better than me, like all her other clients who make more progress than me. Do you still seriously believe that T, because I've turned my whole life around with your help, don't you realise? Or when you compared me to people who I'm nothing like, like my own mother. When you said I would be the same sort of mother as she was. Don't you realise, I'm nothing like her? How could you not?

Anyway T, I just wanted to say, please, please after this break, please just be there for me again. Please try to understand why things like boundary changes hurt me, when what we were doing before was finally helping me to move forwards and feel a bit more independent. Try to understand why it hurts so much when I've always been ultra respectful of any potential boundary let alone a real one set out by you and please understand why it hurts that you've changed boundaries during this awful time when I've needed more support, not less and less. Please be there for me and realise that sorting this out in 50 minutes a week is really hard. I've been hanging on for so long. Please try. Please really try and see me. I know you don't love me, but please care about me, as a long term client who is worthy of helping if nothing else.