Hi Zoey,

There are lots of things I can say, but I thought first I'd address some "practical points," just to give a bit of different perspective.

With regard to the night-time panic: panic is, unfortunately, a cycle. Whatever causes that first panic is almost negligible; but afterwards we begin worrying about having another panic attack, "worrying about worrying," more or less. As far as the "easy answers" go (i.e., exercise, talk-therapy, medication, and meditation), this was the only real instance which I found any of them useful. The trick is to break the cycle, and this was something I could only accomplish at first with the use of some medication. The more often I could go to bed and not panic, or go to bed and sleep right away, the less prone I was to worry about panicking and thereby trigger a panic. I had to take something for sleep and anxiety for a few months, but was eventually able to taper off and now I sleep more or less normally. Sometimes a new panic tries to emerge, and deep breathing has been helpful since it's nowhere near as intense as it once was; I've even fallen asleep doing deep breathing exercises, it's almost like counting sheep.

There is definitely hope for anxiety. I'm still nowhere near "normal," of course, but I can certainly remember a time when I had severe panic attacks daily, and now I rarely have a full-blown panic attack at all, maybe once every couple weeks, and it is not so severe where I'm convinced I'm dying or something. I have some mild OCD also, and just telling someone about my thoughts and recognizing that it was really not an uncommon thing at all and many people had such worries/obsessions/fears as I had was helpful since I had convinced myself that I was just a complete freak of nature and was very ashamed of myself for that. I do understand the frustration with hearing some of the "easy answers," especially if you've been hearing them for years. I think they're all worth a honest try, although there were definitely some things I was rather sure wouldn't work for me and they didn't; but others I was also sure would be stupid and pointless and I actually got something out of it. And unfortunately there is no "real" answer, it's just managing to live another day, and perhaps something will happen for you later... Hope is a big part of being alive I think, which is something I personally struggle with! But find someone to talk to, a therapist or a friend or just someone, at least that's a start...