I said goodbye to my wife yesterday; numerous months ago she told me that in a real sense that I was searching for home; and she was right. Yesterday when I was telling her goodbye, I told her that when I was with her in the past few months I started to see glimpses of what home could look like, and I was finally beginning to imagine that "home" could be with her. I won't say that she was the "one" or the only one for me, but I know that I love(d) her and the few pleasant memories will stay with me for a long time; but I really thought that I could slowly begin to let my walls down. I really thought that perhaps one day she would be able to understand my inner demons and be my "soft place to fall."...as I was writing that sentence she called me to talk about "logistics"; I thought we had spoken about everything; and I've asked her not to call again, it's too painful for me.
It's so hard to be all alone in this world; yet each time I allow myself to get close to someone, I end up feeling more justified in my desire to keep everyone at arm's length.
Feeling so completely alone at this moment...