I still believe it's your mindset that is the problem. Sadly I can't give you any better advice than go to a doctor or psychiatrists or whatever those professions are called in english. Something that did work somewhat for me was pills, and maybe you need such things too.

Once you are there you don't actually have to speak with the doctors. You could just print this whole conversation out and give it to them. I don't believe that money and shyness can forever keep you away from life.

There's numbers you can call that answers 24/7 with proffesionals. There are events on this site from time to time when you can chat with docjohn for free (if I've got things right).

If you wanna know more about depression you can study it yourself at a college around. All you have to do is search for a course about psykology in a college close to you, register online (I guess, thats how it is in my country) and then attend to the lectures sit in the back and never ask a question. This might give you some answers you search for. If you don't wanan do that you can read distance courses. Again my english fails me but some courses you can read even though you are on the other side of the country through internet. You can "go" to a college from where you are sitting right now. You can even read books about depression or psychology or whatever online or at a local library.

Maybe this is what you need to do differently. Taking a step towards something whether it's the first or last and whatever a step is. There is help to take and it's there for everyone. Now take it! The first thing that can happen is that nothing changes...right?

Eventually it's up to you though. Few people have such friends that forces you to go to doctors and such. I wish and hope that you will do anything of what I've suggested above. You don't have to do it immediately, I would myself need a few days to consider it. Whatever you choose to do and what you don't choose to do I'll still be here.

Until next time.