Well, hey there. I know I don't come here often, anymore. When I first came, I was half-hoping for someone to be able to help. That was quickly reminded to be naive and foolish. I do care about you guys, but posting is hard on me. Emotionally exhausted, more every day. So, I stay away, because I'm really sick of this feeling. That I'm the one who can't do anything for anyone. Who's all take and take and take and no give. The one that no one ever wants anything to do with. But, I need to talk to someone right now. I like swords... but, I don't need it. But I do. I needed it.

So, this weekend was spent at an anime convention. I gyped work on the third day, just to make sure I could be there the whole time. That, and I've been really sick. Still coughing up green phlegm and blowing out green mucus. Why did I go to this stupid con when I was this sick? Because, my friends promised it'd be fun. Three days with a bunch of anime nerds and friends I see maybe once every two months. Did I enjoy myself? More than I have in a very long time. So, at the very least, I'm not so lost I can't enjoy myself. Rampant mood swings and a horrible cough aside, I had a good time. Still have crap impulse control, though. Why did I spend forty five dollars on a sword?

Sometimes, even if I was with people I actually enjoy being with, doing things I actually enjoy doing, and having no reason to be anything but happy, I was sad. Something would happen, someone would say something, or the hordes of people would just get to be too much. Some of my friends actually caught wind of this at one point, I wish they'd get a better idea. My moods are malleable. Last night, around eight or nine, we're all at Steak and Shake, eating. I'm laughing like a jack***, making a series of rapidly fired, hilariously disgusting and perverted jokes, making all of my friends laugh... and then I get this feeling of being dirty. "I must be a terrible person, it's no wonder she left and thinks I'm a jerk. No wonder they all left. Hey, that stack of pancakes is freaking huge! I would eat the crap out of them!" And after a five minute sad-sack, a picture of twenty-four pancakes on a napkin dispenser suddenly got my mental associations working, and I'm back to this weird content mood I can't properly explain. Then my friend to the right of me is takes one too many cheap shots at me and I'm suddenly tempering my anger and looping my thumbs in my belt, so I don't "accidentally" punch him in the face. About ten minutes. This is awesome. Randomly changing moods that freak out my loved ones. I may need new glasses, but I'm not so blind in any sense of the word that I can't see the "what the Hell is up with him?" glances going around the table. Or the couch. Or the dance floor. Or the hallway. Or the car.

Last night, when I got home, I was talking to a friend. She said that the things I worry about are "nothing". That they're stupid and ultimately unimportant. It got me thinking. Do I worry about this senseless crap to keep my real problems from overwhelming me? "There's a cute girl at work I'm too scared to talk to" seems easier than "I'm seventy thousand dollars in debt and I have no idea what to do". My rapidly failing health, my teeth that keep breaking apart and falling out for a half dozen reasons, the complete abandonment from my family, my inability to maintain a job, my inability to finishing applying to college because of political crap, my immense and only building debt, my complete lack of mental stability, and my general godawful luck at all things in this world: those seem like seriously distressing problems. Being in denial by concentrating on the impulses of my genitalia seems like a reasonable, if unhealthy, way to cope.

Pretty much refusing to acknowledge my problems in any real way is how I cope. There's very little I can do about it. I'm trying to manage working, but it just never works out. A lot of it is circumstance and a lot of it is my mental health. And physical health. Sometimes I feel like crap and just really don't want to go. Like why I missed half of senior year. And at least two thirds of high school in general. College is a little beyond my control. When I get my own tax papers, maybe they'll let me enter those, besides my parents. Who hate me and won't give me paperwork. Paperwork. I lost my medicaid and my father took me off insurance. So, I can't even get my surgery now. My teeth hurt like crazy and I can't even get help. Why on Earth would I want to focus on these things? Am I the only one with utterly warped perspectives and priorities? Probably.

You remember that girl I've been whining about for a long time? Well, I finally got back in touch with her. I apologized. I gave her my absolute most sincere and genuine apology. She gave me a chance to prove myself to her. So, we've been doing this kind of really hard for me relationship. She's made it clear she doesn't trust me and says I out and out have to earn it. Which is reasonable. I want to prove it to her. I'm terrified of screwing up and she claims I live in the past too much. She thinks I'm just wallowing in my guilt and self-hatred, which keeps me from living in the present.

"No one is blaming you for anything anymore. You apologized and I accepted. Let it go."

Never has she said she forgave me, but she expects me to forgive myself. She actually keeps throwing stuff at me like "You disappeared for six months and didn't give a damn. Why should I believe you?" I thought... not holding against me... what. She claims she's not just waiting for me to screw up and she's not angry, but even though she knows me so well, she just thinks I'm a spastic idiot who doesn't even try to control himself. These emotions are a ****ing nightmare. I've tried to explain it to her that I'm sick.
"What are you doing about it?"
"A lot."
Then, the same thing every time we start communicating. "I don't want to have this conversation." What am I doing wrong? Besides everything. She says she wants me to just act like myself. Like I am with my other friends. How am I not going to walk on eggshells when we have so much history she just doesn't seem to care about?
"You think I just see you a mistake and that's not true."
She's used those exact words to describe everything. I may live in the past, but she can't just pretend it never happened. That it meant nothing.

Yeah, the things I worry about are nothing. I'm an idiot and a wreck. What did I hope to accomplish from this? Not really much. Just to vent. To people who may understand. Because the people I love most never will be able to.