I'm not sure how to really say this other then there are so many emotions running through me that I don't know how to feel or what to think of them.

One minute I'm ready to blurt all that's happened to me and get it off my chest, I even thought about typing it out and handing it to my Counselor so I don't have to verbalize it.

Then I want to stay hidden in my shell and not tell anyone anything EVER! I want it to be gone, like a magic wand wave over me.

Now Im deeply missing my family and hate the Idea that if something was to happen to my fiance and dog I would have NO ONE at all.

With a long history of hospital treatment and self harming acts. I secretly want to act on my self harming but have been told my Fiance if I do he'd leave me and that just makes everything 10X's intense. I want these feelings to go away. but I don't know how. I don't know what kind of help I need right now. I hate calling crisis lines as they always over react and send people to the ER by police. It freaks me out and brings back memories.

I wish I could talk to my fiance, but he has been through abuse as a child too and has this way of making his stuff sound worse and tell me to ignore it and just bitter towards people. but when I do this It leads to a fight.

Oh gosh Im beyond help. Sorry if this doesnt make sense I just typed it out hoping someone can give me insight on something