So how does everyone cope when they're parents think it's all a joke? How do you cope when NOBODY in your life wants to know what you go through so that they can help you? How do you focus on what needs to be done, when all you can think about is when you're going to be able to sick up again? What's the point of fighting it? Why not just run from it?
I'm a nanny... And a pretty damn good one at that. No matter what is going on with me, I can always put it aside when I have little ones to focus on. But when it comes to my family... I don't know how to function...
The other night, my mother came into my room to ask me if I was "alright"... My response was this " Mom, I'm fine... And even if I wasn't, we don't talk about what goes on with me! You don't ACTUALLY want to know. So don't ask me questions like that..."
Was I too harsh on her? Or is it ok of me to be angry that when things get bad with me, she either has signed me over to the state, divorced my dad, or just changed the subject to how ****** her day was because she had to check in a guy with crossed eyes at the desk of a medical facility?
I dunno. Maybe I'm just having a bad time. I keep trying to say I'm fine. Just so I don't cause a stir in the family. But being a nanny... I try not to be in my hometown much. I just am currently unemployed and have to deal with living with my family for the moment.
They always say "Yeah she's alright... She's always alright!"... I just can't help but feel that one of these times, I'm not gonna be alright.
I feel that there's something looming over my head... The last time I went to hospital, was for a weird feeling in my chest. It hurt a lot. Felt super funky. When I was too light headed (while they were drawing blood), to answer their questions. My mother answered for me. When they asked why I was worried so much about my electrolytes, my mother answered nastily with this horrible look on her face "something about her having an eating disorder or something like that!"... Most horrible thing I've ever heard her say. It was like those simple words made me want to keel over and die...
Maybe one of these days I won't be ok? I'm scared. But I can't tell anyone I'm scared. It's not ok for me to be scared...

*sigh*...