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Originally Posted by southpole
 YES I absolutely do. Oh so much. Perfectionism is ruining my life, I just can't forgive myself for stuff I do or say, esp when hypo or depressed. I really want to learn how not to do this. I'm in therapy for that, because I am so terrified of doing things wrong, and because I always think I make mistakes (inc in therapy). My pride/perfectionism even gets in the way in T so when she says stuff like "you didnt do anything wrong" I instantly take offence. It's like I can be as hard on myself as I want but no one else can. I am only allowed to beat myself up 
I had an experience on the weekend when I could have almost done it again but I didn't. I seem to have better control at the moment plus focusing on the fact that this is a problem at the moment is making me more aware of it. Also I'm drinking less I'm starting to see how I can actually be quite predatory when I want to be. I'm less likely to be promiscuous if I don't feel like I'm the one in control. Hence it's somehow exciting to go for people who are either unavailable or inappropriate (or that I don't even like!!) because then I don't have to fear rejection etc. IDK, it's confusing. And something I will still have to work at.
Oh and in answer to hamster on the last page - yup I do the overspending thing, not that often, but it definitely has put me into financial straits before. I spend big on impulse and decide that it's absolutely the right decision. I've never gambled etc, it's more spending on holidays and clothes etc etc but always when I am absolutely broke. Cut up my credit card because of it and am now not in debt, but have massive trouble saving ... |
I completely understand! I constantly correct myself in therapy and I'm always second guessing everything I say and do, particularly when I'm going through an episode. I've even been told that the only thing wrong with me is that I think something's wrong with me/that I'm paranoid. Lately, I'm also having trouble taking constructive criticism and it just feeds into the anxiety, paranoia, and perfectionism but my new meds seem to really be helping. I am a lot less anxious and I'm being easier on myself. My whole perspective is starting to change now that the nagging thoughts are being subdued. When I start to panic, I remind myself that I love others flaws and all and that the kind of people I want in my life will love me too. Unfortunately, I have a tendency to divulge too much info about myself to too many people when I'm being paranoid so that's causing me some stress now. Do you do that too? Tell people stuff you normally wouldn't and wish you hadn't when you're manic?
For me, the promiscuity problem is kind of the opposite. I'm vulnerable. I don't fully want to but I just keep going with it and allow it. Not like rape or anything, but more like I allow things to continue escalating. I just think, "Oh, this is happening. Now this is happening. Ok." and I think to myself that I should stop but I don't. It's like I'm playing a giant game of chicken with everything. Sex, money, drugs, and I don't care if I crash or don't crash so I just keep my foot on the gas when I know I shouldn't even be in the car. It's weird. It's not till it's over that I really process the consequences. I know they're there because my conscience keeps nagging at me but they're not real or don't really matter. Maybe it's an agoraphobia type of thing for you? You like knowing that you can bail?