I know this was long...(shoudl I delete it??????? ) what ever dont read it if you dont want.

newtus...I was 25 when Ihad my breakthrough moment...I think that is what it is called... it was just before my 25th birthday and I thought that i was having a 1/4 of a centery breakdown.... I couldn't tell even the Dr. at the Hospital what I was experiencing because of all the stygma attached to Schizophrenia.... The Drugs and Alcholol only caused my fears to become more and more alive. I still believe everything I went through (saw and heard ) were and still are real... I believe all my fears were real and that I truly know that the things I feared about others was true...

I have had my T tell me in the past and even the one now, that these things are just part of my illness, but im never going to be convinced that they are not real... In this way they are constantly telling me that they do not believe me, because they do not believe it is real. Also the issue of being told it is your fault for being restrained.... I understand the felling...

The 2nd time I was restrained they not only restrainded me but gave me something that knocked me out for over 24 hours... when I woke up they would not even let me out to use the bathroom.... It was not only horrible but so tramatic, that I fear of ever telling my T that I am suicidal or Phycotic... and after my last hopsital stay Im even more frightened about hospitals....

I think you are brave if you can go to a T and tell them everything... I can not get pst the fear that you adn others have made it past and I've been at it for alomst 30yrs...

I comend you and encourage you to seek help... Things are different now adays I know that intellectually, but my mind will not let me believe it for me, just others....if that makes any sence...

I do think that the things you post are very important as it gets me and i believe others thinking about things....

I feel that for the most part what people post here is true, but as you and I know we do not use our own names and the most of us do not put anything about out true identity here, Why? Because for me and Im sure others, I do not want anyone who knows me to know many of the deep things I feel and think and post here.

I have even thought about taking my account off here and starting over with another name, but It would still be me posting and Im sure anyone who has been here longer then me would know it was me posting again...

but I do at least for this momnet feel safe enough to post here...


and as you know I ahve times when this place scares the heck out of me cause I beleve it has been infiltrated by those who want me dead or locked up.

well what ever...