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Originally Posted by amanda1624
I have been involved in SI for almost three years. To be honest, I never thought I'd be saying that. I thought it'd be something that happened for a couple of months and then forgot about. But it plagues me every day. I cannot go a day without at least thinking about it. It used to be a lot worse; I used to hurt myself at least 3 times a week, if not more. Now it's much less frequent, but it still happens, and sometimes it's worse than others. i have scars all over the tops of my legs and my arms. It's embarassing. I have a boyfriend and he knows that I have done it before but he doesn't know that it's still going on and I don't know how much longer I can hide it. People seem to think that SI is a way of slowly killing yourself. But it's not. It's not at all. When people smoke cigarettes, it puts tar into their lungs and can lead to lung cancer, which can lead to death. You can't say the same type of thing for SI. I could keep doing this for the rest of my life and as long as I'm smart about it, it's not going to kill me. So, really - what's the big deal? If it helps me to cope, and if nothing else works as well, and it's not going to kill me - then seriously, what's the HUGE problem that makes this so taboo and shameful and serious?
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amanda, the reason it can be a huge problem is because it is addictive. When you cut, your body releases endorphins, which are the body's natural pain killers. They also can create a feeling of euphoria, which is why you feel better for a short time afterwards. Its the same thing that happens to runners. After a while, your body builds a tolerance to the endorphins, and it takes more to create the same feeling or euphoria or relief from stress. Runners often start with a mile, then when that doesn't do it, they go further. Unfortunately, when cutting is what is causing the endorphin release, the cuts get worse, more often, and start to consume your thoughts.
I started SI almost four decades ago. I didn't stop until two years ago. I still think about it. Do you really want to be middle aged and still cutting or thinking about it all the time? The longer it goes on, the harder it is to stop. Just like an addiction to alcohol, drugs or any other addiction. Usually you need help to stop the behavior. There is something really bothering you, and cutting is a bad way of coping with it.
One more thing. Cutting is dangerous. I don't know how far you have gone, but as things progress, there is a chance that you will accidently hit a vessel or cut a tendon, permanently disabling a limb or killing you. I know. I almost died from an episode two years ago. My friend had to find me by the blood running out under the bottom of the bathroom door. Had she not come in at that moment, I would have bled to death. I wasn't trying to kill myself. I just felt trapped, stressed and I went too far. As it is, although I survived the blood loss, there are areas on my legs that are numb, and other areas that have electric shock type feelings when they are touched by my pant legs. I never thought that would happen when I started. Please don't underestimate the power of SI, or think that it won't happen to you. I'm not trying to scare you, just being honest.
Sam2