Quote:
Originally Posted by Chrysalis12
I am still stopping myself from cutting. Instead, I just hit myself as hard as I can using the boniest part of my fists. That way, it doesn't leave evidence, and no one will ever know. Plus, I am such a failure that I deserve the pain. I just can't let anyone know. I can't mention therapy otherwise everyone will be ashamed of me. All the people around me believe that if a person thinks about death, something is mentally wrong with him or her. I mentioned dying once, and then I felt ostracized by everyone, even myself. There was a lot of drama concerning this in my house. And I cannot live through my family, teachers, and friends being ashamed of me again! It was a week of hell. It was hard to breathe, sleep, and eat. Things are better now. So, I've decided to stay with beating myself secretly as an alternative to cutting.
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I understand wanting to feel pain because you think you deserve it. But you don't. Why do you think you deserve to hurt?
I know what you mean by "therapy isn't an option" I'm in the same situation. But you do need to help yourself my not cutting or hitting or doing harm to yourself.
I want you to do something. The next time you are going to hurt yourself, think about why you deserve it. Write it down, make a list. Then go back when you aren't upset and read the list. See how illogical the reasons are.
You don't deserve to hurt. I'm not very knowing when it comes to God. But I do know one thing. Jesus DIED so you didn't have to hurt.
Message me. Let me know what I can do for you. I completely understand the situation you are in.