I had a total melt down yesterday.

I had to find an outfit for the funeral. All my clothes are casual. It did not go well.

Nothing felt right, and how could it. Please tell me how you find something to wear to your beloved son's funeral ???? I did but.....

I felt like I was having a psychotic break. My brain just could not handle anymore. I came home and took a lot of Seroquel and went to bed. I left my poor husband to finish all the tasks to be done.

As each day goes on I feel my bipolar illness getting worse. Tonight is the Viewing, tommorrow the funeral. I tried to get an appointment with my PDOC for Friday, but he did not call back.

I have found strength somewhere to give Jason and his friends and family the best possible viewing and funeral. ( it feels so strange that I am writing these words). But after this I don't know where my mind will go.

I promised my husband I will not take my life. But I said after Jason almost died in August that if he died I could not live.
You are all so sick of hearing this, I am so sorry.