I know I'm better than I was last year at this time - I know I am better than I was half a year ago - but does that mean I'm better PERIOD?

My counsellor told me something this week (it was my appointment after having not seen her for two weeks) that I was "better" and that she didn't have the time to see me because she was dealing with patients that are far worse off than me. I understand that - people with suicidal ideation and whatnot do need more help than me because I don't have the desire or will to do something like that.

But still...

I don't think I'm "better". And I think that a monthly appointment (seeing her in now four weeks) is less than useful and won't be at all effective. In that amount of time, I can slip and fall and by the time the appointment comes around it will be impossible to get to the same point I am right now. It won't work.

I'm not better - I'm better than I was yes, but I'm not better. I'm not a self-starter, I can't heal or fix myself by myself and that's what she expects me to do.

Yes, it is not her fault that my university has more students than therapists, and not enough money to hire more therapists or make more of them full-time.

I just wish I knew what I was supposed to do.

I'm confused, upset, hurt and I feel abandoned.

On the flip side however, there is a therapist in training that I could see - he seems nice and all but I've never shared much of anything with a guy. But he's focussed on all of the things I need help with so he could help but he unerves me. He does that whole "staring" thing which makes me drift off into my own world because I can't stare back - too much anxiety and fear.

I could also go to see my first therapist. She's in a counselling practice, but its not at the university and therefore I'd have to pay for it out of pocket. I spoke to her, and for students it would be $50 a session which might not seem like a lot to most, but I'm a student, I have no money. I can't get my parents to pay for it, because they believe therapy is a waste of time and that people can solve their own problems. I am starting a job, and I suppose I could pay for it - but how do I explain the money I wouldn't be making to my parents? Not that they really need to know - but I'm not exactly fond of lying, no matter how talented I am in that regard.

What am I gonna do?

PS. I can't go to see anyone else at my university because the university has a sort of policy that basically says that after so many appointments that a referral should be made to an off-campus person. I've already gone over my # of sessions "limit" but my current therapist is letting me still see her because (up until this point anyways) she seemed to realize that I do actually need this - even if I'm not suicidal or SIng anymore. And she said she liked me as a client as well.