As for meetings with alters - I never did that. I hear the voices basically 24/7 and I can sit there and say "Mary shut them up" and nothing would happen because the trigger in my present life t hat was making that piece of auditory memory replay was not taken care of. If I sat there watching a movie that was triggering my auditory memories nothing but getting up and changing the channel on the tv or shutting the tv off comeplete would stop that voice from replaying. Whe I was in a therapy session with LL and we were using relaxation visualization techniques while we used a sand tray as long as I knept looking at her I kept hearing this one voice saying something about the type of clothing LL was wearing. Finally I made the connection to what was making that voice replay so I focused on a different object in the room and the voice stopped. This happens to me 24 hours a day 7 days a week non stop and in that co conscious area or not the only thing that will stop that piece of memory from replaying in my head is if I locate the trigger in my present life and do something about that.

I do freewrite where I get out my journal and just write what I am hearing but I don't designate and talk to those voices as if they are real people by saying "mary you do this and Kathine you do that". I can now distinguish which memory piece is replaying by the tones of voice, content and so on and I do write down when possible which name goes with what voices that way I know what that memory content may contain. But I don't sit down at a table and have a physical family meeting. Instead when I do notice I am having a problem with something like one of the things I work on is incorporating in my present life what is separated in my unconscious memories. For example I know that "Mary" draws which basically means when I was that age when that memory was first stored I had been learning how to draw. When aware I could not draw worth beans. So I focus my attention onpicking out the voices that go with the memories stored as "Mary". How I do that is I take out my drawing supplies so that with all my senses I am focused on the drawing supplies and drawings that have Mary wrote on the. then I write down - ok mary I want to learn how to draw and then write about what I am seeing in the drawings. I know that "mary" isnt REALLY "teaching" or "talking" to me. I am the one using the drawings to trigger those memories into replaying so that I can learn what is in the memories "filed" as Mary. Mary is a memory not a physical person so she cant physically talk to me but my being a physical person and the memories are stored in my brain I can just like professionals do with people who are suffering from physical memory problem of amnesia use what ever I can to trigger my remembering things that I have forgotten. Some professionals call this facilitating and activating communication. I call it working with triggers because that is how I am activating those memories into replaying - by using my known triggers. By paying attention to the things that trigger me into dissociating I know what I need to do to take care of the situation that is making me dissociate.

Music has always been a part of how I dissociate so for me its no surprise when suddenly I hear a replaying memory of a childs voice singing. and when its important that I focus my attention elsewhere like a meeting with DHS case I take out my notebook and pen that I always carry with me and write down what I am hearing and if possible what about that DHS meeting is making that memory piece replay. If I cant do that I keep notes about what the DHS meeting is about. Caseworkers see nothing unusual about someone writing notes during a meeting about the meeting. then while keeping notes I place apointing backwards arrow so that I know when rereading my notes later for my typing my journal entry that right there during the meeting my head went backwards to a memory from the past. and that reminds me to figure out what during the meeting made that piece of memory replay so that next time I am in a meeting with a dHS caseworker the situation does nto happen again because I will knowto use my grounding tools so that trigger does not catch me by surprise and upset me again.

Anti anxiety /depressants don't do anything as far as preventing my voices and switching. What I did find was that I could not feel. not happy sad or any other feelings so when I was co conscious I could tell what I was seeing, hearing, tasting but ccould not differenciate between feelings to any major degree. I knew the appropiate feeling by what I was seeing hearing and so on but had no feeling towrds the fact that what I was remembering had happened to me. It was like still being dissociated from the memories to a certaain degree so I went to my family physician and explained to him that I had been on medication for three years without missing a dose and during that time I took classes and so to learn how to take care of my depression and anxiety and I wanted to try using what I had learned without the medication keeping me from totally feeling everything I was experiencing and remembering.He gave permission as long as my therapist said it was ok and that she knew I would be without medication. LL agrees with the client where medication is concerned as long as there isn't a health issue because if you try to medicate someone who doesnt want it theres no garentee that they will take the medication after it is prescribed.

Once off the medication about three weeks I began to notice feeling unfortunately at the time I was comming off the medication was at the same time that I was taking a comprehensive psychological evaluation and I had a hard time hiding the fact that I would now react to my child being in residentail treatment for that past 2 years and the empty nest syndrome hit real bad. The psychiatrist asked me if I am always that upset when discussing my child. I managed to do some fancy footwork to cover up that at that moment I was in withdrawal from medication and was definately beginning to be able to feel and react beyond giving the appropiate responses so as not to appear robotic because a DHS caseworker accused me of not knowing how to appropiately express feelings.

for me being anxious about remembering a previously separated piece of memory. It won't work. For example the situation that I wrote about in my blog last night..

I was really keyed up over what I would find once I used relaxation visualization techniques (otherwise known as hypnotic techniques) to remember the memory where a nightmare that I have comes from.

I know that memory probably isn't good because when I have the nightmare I wake up in a major panic attack and cannot remember the whole nightmare.

About three years ago I drew up a therapy plaan to go after this nightmare. After SKR read my plan and research around it she thought it might work and took it to her supervisor. We were given the go ahead. so I practiced my relaxation techniques while SKR got caught up to where I was on my therapy plan. before we could actually put the plan in action the government went through the welfare reform stuff which cut funds to state mental health funds so the therapy agency were doing a process of laying off their therapists in groups according to who hadn't been working for the agency more than 5 years. SKR got the ax and then all you know what broke loose with the dHS caseworker and other personal problems in SKR's life which resulted in SKR and I dropping therapy and remaining friends. On board came LL as my therapist. I kept this therapy plan and goal on hold while LL and I got to know eachother and as I felt LL was ready I let her know about parts of my therapy plan in regards to this nightmare. After I knew LL was ok with using hypnotic techniques (relaxation visualizations) I told her the therapy plan with all the components in order and after she took the idea to the supervisor we have a go ahead. to use relaxation visualizations to help with memory recall work that I have planned. we are just waiting for the insurance ok for the longer sessions.

Well this past sunday and monday you might say the waiting got to me and I attempted to do this on my own. Back when SKR and I were a therapy team I had tried this on my own and the reaction was that the moment I entered that memory I go through major panic and anxiety to the point where I snap back into full awareness from the totally relaxed state or out of panic and anxiety I snap out of that memory and into my mental safe place - la la land. So this past sunday - monday I already knew my reaction but I forced myself repeatedly into using the hypnotic techniques. I had some benedryl. The benedry made me drowsy so that I could enter t hat relaxed state of mind but did not prevent my anxiety and panic and reaction and when I first tried to do this three years ago I was on anxiety depression medication and it did not prevent my panic anxiety reaction.

Medications are great but they cannot prevent EVERY single situation of panic and anxiety. everybody reacts differently to different triggers so the medical companies make their medications according to the general public or a genreal gorup of people. when they have a drug that works for a majority of people in the target group they manufacture the drug for mass market. for those with the problems that the drug was targeted for it works for those that have problems that were not a part of the target groups its 50 -50 for some it works and for others it doesn't. which is why one medication works for one person and doesn't another person and also why depression anxiety classes are taught so that the person who has anxiety and depression learn other tools besides their medicaiton in controling their anxiety and depression like grounding and relaxation techniques.

for me medication is not going to prevent this type of panic anxiety attack. and for others it might. all I can say is give it a try and see.