Thank you all above for posting on my thread. I've gotten such diverse diagnoses from different doctors over the years. One doctor (pscychiatrist) whom I saw for 6 years got turned off when I blew up at him once. He immediately said, "I do think you're bipolar." Then I never saw him again - his choice, not mine. The feeling of rejection was awful.

Recently, I've gotten really upset with my current pdoc. Losing control like that feels horrendous. Since before Christmas, mood swings have gotten awful. I consider suicide every day. I have no history of any attempt. I have only a few hospitalizations for very short term. The last time was a year ago for about 36 hours. I don't think that I would ever go in again.

I've just been taken in at a PsychoSocial program. I really don't like being there, and I may not go back. I don't find it supportive in any way. Most of the time, I am alone in my apartment. I spend a lot of the day resting with my head propped up because I have chronic neck pain. That started about a year ago and seems to be driving a lot of my depression. Mainly, I watch TV or read. Most of the time I am in my recliner to support my head. Walking causes pain in my right foot, which is seriously arthritic and has an inflammed nerve.

I begged to go into a psycho-social program. Now that I've gone to it, I hate it and have stopped going. I felt it was my last hope. That's what I got all excited about and was so happy over the weekend about. When the reality of being there sunk in, I became extremely despondent. I have one friend, but I don't want to stress him out, as he is elderly and in failing health. I have one family member who lives nearby. He is very difficult to be around. He has an extensive criminal history. I don't.

I say to myself - just wait . . . the mood will change. I was on Ritalin for awhile, but not any longer. I think it fed into me getting hypomanic. I would talk to myself for hours. Without it, though, I'm having trouble waking up in the morning.

I'm tapering down on Temazepam (benzo sleeper) because I'm really only taking it just because I got habituated to it. I can skip it for days with no problem. I sleep okay without it. After a week without it, though, I have withdrawal symptoms. I've been through benzo withdrawal symptoms in the past and fear that very much. My PCP won't prescribe pain medication for me, until I get off the sleeping pill. So I avoid doing anything that will bring on pain. I basically avoid doing anything.

I feel I've alienated my PCP and my psychiatrist. Where I go for my healthcare is not a very good place, but I have no alternative. I have no therapist and don't want one. It just gets me more upset. I feel hopeless. Most of my life I worked, and I think that kept me from going insane. Now I collect disability and I am becoming more and more unwell. I don't feel well enough physically or mentally to work even part time.

Today I can't even stand for the television to be on. This morning, the sound of traffic in the street going past my front door felt very stressful. I truly wish I didn't have to go on living, but I don't believe I am any imminent danger to myself. I've felt as bad as this before and have gotten over it.