This is a constant question in my head. Why do I keep telling people what's wrong with me while I don't seem to make much effort to change? Is it because I want people to say, "Aw, you poor thing."? I'm constantly wondering if I'm bothering people. Hell, I think my counsellor is tired of hearing me ask. I think it surprises him just how obsessed I am about it.

Why do I keep bothering people with my problems? Do I get some sort of rise out of it? Does it make me feel better about myself when other people are concerned about me? I make it sound like my life is a living hell. But I've got friends and family and don't work for a living; I don't have to worry about losing my home; I've never been so incapacitated that I couldn't leave my bed; I've never been so depressed that I've gone to hospital. But I get suicidal and cut myself (but only shallow cuts, so who cares), I loathe myself with a vengeance, I wish everyone could see me for what I am and abandon me, I wish that I would stop trying to create and maintain connections with people... I wonder why people would care if I was dead. They're delusional, I guess.

Now I'm not feeling like this right now, but I have recently. And now I'm bothering you guys with this. Why? I'm not sure. I guess I feel I have no good reason to be depressed (my counsellor would disagree), and I should just shut up and keep to myself. And stop telling people how I feel. And put that mask back on. People who don't know me as depressed... they're happy that way. I don't care what my friends say, I'm a bother.

Every time I post a thread like this or post about how I feel, these thoughts flood in. I don't know if I'll ever get over them. I don't know if I even understand whether they're false or not.

Sorry for bothering you guys. There were much better things to do than read this post, and I've just wasted a few minutes of your lives.