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Originally Posted by Torn Mind
I do very much get what you're saying about holding the anger in until a valid external reason presents itself and then you have at least some permission for venting it (of course others tend to see it as overreacting, and it never feels ok anyway because the anger stems from other things not the actual here and now catalyst for it.)
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Yeah I'm pretty skilled at how I let the anger out, I hold on to my job very, very tightly as I am very aware it is the one thing I really need to maintain what I have. I (suppose like the rest of us) that I maintain everything at a negative but acceptable to society level. I only do things when the consequences are dire, and would make things far worst. I sometimes scream in the car as a release when I am especially bitter about relationship difficulties. The rest of the time I try and remind myself from examples of how others behave in the real world that over the top anger results in damage to relationships, and that with true acceptance I wouldnt stay angry. I have to say I am not very successful at it. I have trouble letting things go.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Torn Mind
But don't you find that thinking like that just makes you even angrier? It does me. Sometimes I really long to be able to dump all the blame and rage that sits in my head and messes me up onto the rest of the world - I get so tired of carrying the can for every single feeling I have  . |
yeah all the time. Someone in my life has pointed out all of my flaws to me, ususally with anger but the point is valid nevertheless.
I actually feel angry, sick and soooooo frustrated about what I know, and how I continue to behave strictly according to my programming. This makes me feel exceptionally trapped continuously, even so far as when asleep and dreaming. I realise the impacts my behaviour has on myself and others, I see the effects all the time yet I continue to rationalise, defend and deny every dang-nabbit (thanks red-neck fishing dude) trait that I have. I am at my wits end.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Torn Mind
But of course, that would just alienate people even further from me and put me beyond the pale, alone and unwanted, that's definitely not ok. This is a real no win situation to be in.
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yeah man I think the fact we think its a no-win situation determines the outcome before it happens. If we dont conceptualise a winning outcome, we will never win. Insert millions of churchill quotes here. I just dont know how to metaphorically turn the frown upside down, I struggle with my programming.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Torn Mind
I was thinking about this anger thing on the way to therapy the other day, and I suddenly realized that what I'm experiencing is borderline rage. My T assessed me primarily as AvPD but she was clear that she thought I had strong borderline tendencies (which I couldn't really see myself). Now I do and it makes a lot of sense. I wonder if those of us with AvPD who also have to deal with a lot of seemingly over the top anger aren't holding a foot in the borderline camp?
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I live my avoidance whole-heartedly now I have my own diagnosis. I ranked off the charts on the personality disorder test in a number of areas, but I dont want more diagnosis' to prescribe my $h!t to. I dont want to give my subconcious some other excuses to hang on to and behaviours to act out on.
I reckon we actually need to find the why's within ourselves rather than prescribing our behaviour to a textbook or what feels comfortable. I know this intellectually; however struggle with it emotionally.
The power we are looking for has to come from ourselves.