Mr V, I came across a post of Sannah's that I feel is an excellent post to think about.
It does carry the cause and effect that I feel is important to consider for anyone that struggles and doesn't quite know how to "fix" it or really what about them that remains somehow broken.

"Children are basically trained to make decisions for themselves. Erickson's developmental stages between the ages of 2-12 yoa are 1) autonomy, 2) initiative, and 3) industry. The child first learns they are autonomous then they learn to have initiative and then they learn that they can accomplish things. If a parent interferes with this development, the person can end up at the other end of the outcome 1) shame, 2) guilt, and 3) inferiority and unable to be self directed.

Children need that space from their parents to develop these skills. As a parent, I have tried to teach my children certain things and then I have to step back and allow them the autonomy to find their own way. (Being there to help them when needed and teach further)." quote Sannah

This post, as I mentioned spoke volumes to me. I have been making it a point to "self observe" and connect my own "defense mechanisms" and "self esteem" problems all the way back in my life. I also have come to learn more about the "subconscious" mind and how all people are born with pretty much a clean slate in their subconscious minds. And how each of us developes much of how we veiw ourselves, problem solve, gain self esteem, develope defense mechanisms that seem to somehow work for us, along with so many things we do not "consciously" realize.

As I have read your many "questions" and "expressions of what you want" along with your discription of your childhood, I do see a pattern. The pattern I see is of a child that did not get most of the things you keep asking for. And you "have been" struggling with also understanding how to become more "emotionally balanced" as well.

Your constant messages consist of:

I want to find a "human physical presence that will listen to me"
I want to find a "human physical presence that will hold and love me"
I want to find a "real life friend"
I want to be more than just "another person, I want to be the best at something".
I will never feel fulfilled unless I get to be the "best at something"
I am tired of being alone and stuck out in this place I live in where there are so few people and things to do.
I do know how to do things, I had to teach myself though because I can't seem to learn like normal people do.
Everytime I try to have a "live" friend, I get rejected and that makes me angry and confused, and I don't understand "why" that happens.
When I get very frustrated I need to "self harm" and that scars me.
When I cry for help and guidance, all I hear are "just" things to do and it doesn't work for me and now I am at the point where I don't want to hear it. And when I do, I already know that it doesn't seem to work for me.

What you do need to "learn" is that much of what you struggle with is due to what messages your father and mother fed to your "subconscious" mind. That it was not your fault, but these messages have become, "what you believe" about yourself, which is normal to any child who grows up with "disfunctional parents".

On top of whatever we do not get from our parents, we can also suffer from society as well, and that is because without our realizing it, we carry body language as well as messages to others of our "low self esteem challenges" that can be very "misunderstood". Because of that, what almost always happens is we can begin to suffer even "more abuse" that can produce "more" subconscious messages that again sends us messages of "we are less than". All children that experience this will most likely develope "defense mechanisms" that may further cause them harm, but seems to be the only way they can find "a sense of comfort and safety". Along with this can form "anger" at society, as well as "anger" at self. However, depending on what "positives" are also presented and can be adapted as "coping mechanisms", may help that child have "some" forms of "thriving" "inspite of" whatever lacks are there. Because "human beings" are also designed to have some "resiliance" as well in order to survive and thrive, some human beings can become rather "high functioning" inspite of their "inadequate" nurturing. However, that doesn't mean that person genuinely feels "balanced and healthy" and sometimes these people can become "abusers" as well. Some of this is what happened with your father, which made him incapable of being any kind of parent that could give any child even a small percentage of "helpful nurturing", instead, he was infact, and abuser.

Most of us "think" we are who we are, and we were born to be "who we are". We do not realize that much of who we are comes from how we are nurtured and given the right "subconscious" messages that bring us a healthy sense of balance and self esteem.

In order to "heal" from the "unhealthy suconscious" messages we have "accepted about ourselves" we have to be able to understand that "some of our inner emotions and message" are actually "wrong subconscious messages that are of "no fault of our own".

I can say to you V, that I have been working on this myself, and I can say with "certainty" that the process of "self observing" and "seeing my own defense mechanisms built up in my subconscious mind resulting from "abuse" and my own "troubled past" has been a daunting and challenging task.

When I talk about "self love, patience and lots of self care" I mean it, because, there are times when I myself have recognized things about myself that have been "very troubling" and are "sad" and "confusing" and "not easy to help myself "admit, and work through" and try to slowly develope "new and healthier" methods of "subconscious defence mechanisms". I have also had to learn and understand that I have "victim mentality" issues and these issues began at a very early age for me.

However, by allowing myself to also understand that "all" people suffer "some" similar issues and "poor defense mechanisms" I can then realize that I am "only human" and I do" have the capacity to "learn" inspite of whatever I developed in my subconscious that resulted from "abuse and neglect". I also do see areas where I did "survive and thrive" inspite of my troubled history.

I have also had to learn that when others do give me "their opinions" of what they see in me of "value" and "promise" it is also important that I recognize my willingness to accept these "compliments" and "sometimes praise" as being "ok" in my subconscious mind as well. That isn't always easy, because I have to "observe" the times I do not accept it, and why. Sometimes the why, is upsetting tbh, and very sad too. I also have to "observe" what "hurts me" or makes me "angry" too, and some of the ways I may respond "with blinding anger" because that is often very sad too. Even some of my overflowing "empathy" is sad too.

There is something we can all be grateful for however. We are living in a time where we are learning more and more about "the human brain". We have been making a lot of progress in walking away from alot of ignorance that so many of us have suffered from. We are slowly learning that "troubled people" are not just "troubled because they were born to be failures" but they are people that had needs that "all human beings" have that were not met somehow. The human brain is being studied like never before, we are learning so much more than ever before as well. We are learning that the human brain "is" capable of overcoming many things, even a troubled childhood. In the past ten years alone we have come to understand so very much and have been making efforts in developing "treatments and therapies" to help so many that are challenged.

Just some food for thought V. I don't know you "personally" but I can "empathize" with many of your challenges. I do really struggle with PTSD and I feel like I got hit in the head with a hard object and since that time, I have been on one hell of a journey myself. Some days, I do pretty well, but some days I really, really struggle. I have looked into my own personal abyss and it has been very challenging. There are things about myself that I have been really trying hard to understand, as well as trying to "fix" too. I have been lucky to have a good T and things to read that tell me what is wrong with me. I honestly don't know how people in the past dealt with what I have either. Most likely they were probably put away or lived very lonely and troubled lives and were labeled "crazy". I thought that "I survived" the bad things I lived through in my childhood and my past, I never really realized how much it shaped so much of who I am, and how I developed "defence mechanisms, as well as "coping mechanisms" in my "subconscious mind" that are a big part of "who I am".

One of the "constant" statements made to me pretty much most of my life has been "wow, you are a very misunderstood person". When I first joined PC, I had been diagnosed with PTSD and I didn't really understand what PTSD was or meant. I did recognize I was showing many of the symptoms, but what I didn't know is that I was going to get alot worse. When I joined PC, I decided that I would just "let myself be out there" and see if I could somehow "see" what it was about me that was constantly "misunderstood".
What I have been "learning" is not anything I could have ever imagined. PTSD, magnifies everything we feel. And because I was getting worse, all of my "defense mechanisms" were slowly becoming more "pronounced". I have lost count of how many times I have been triggered, had a very "strong" reaction, wanted to run, questioned myself, punished myself, climbed into my bed with total confusion, and yet also had more compassion and empathy than I ever had before. I also got so bad that I was in a very dangerous state of mind. And my life "outside" PC, was horrible because I was constantly being punished because I could not "just" no matter how hard I tried. And no matter how many times I tried to "put into words how badly I was struggling" I never truely was ever "understood". And the one person who has always been my friend, my mother, has demencia and I do not have her there to listen or help. I can't even go and visit my parents who are elderly now, because when I go to that house, I get flashbacks.

I wish I lived closer to you V, because I really would give you an "in person" hug, and I really "would be an IRL person to listen to you too. I am sorry that you struggle, I can relate in many ways, so you are not as alone as you think. What I do see about you though is that for a little boy that didn't have the right father or mother, and struggled, you did "learn how you learn" and have made progress. I understand the challenge V, more than you realize, so I have responded with this post and am letting you know that while it is a challenge, you "can" work your way forward. I can tell you that I have been working on it myself, so I know it is a challenge. I will say that you do have to allow yourself to see things in ways you have not yet figured out. Well, it took me time to figure it out too, but I can tell you, that it is really important to develope a part of yourself that stays strong and remains "your own best friend" and practices lots of self care, patience and willingness to learn, "in spite of" some of the subconscious messages that can lead you to think you need to be "hard on yourself".

Open Eyes