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Jan 10, 2013, 06:02 PM
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WhosWho:
Yes I do feel desperate enough that I will hang out with anyone. However, I think that I am also naturally open and trusting of others, because I don't feel that sense of fear or distrust towards strangers that others seem to have. It is incredibly difficult to make me uncomfortable.
Thus I am unable to empathize with statements like being too insecure, too straightforward, etc. because I can't seem to understand how that matters. A concequence of being so different from others (Asperger's Syndrome!) I suppose is being unable to understand and be understood by others.
How I see it is that if a person is kind and respectful than nothing else should matter. It doesn't make sense to me how insecurity, confidence, etc. matters. If I have looked at the women I have been close to at least half of them have been victims of sexual assault/abuse, and, believe me, it wasn't after I had known them for a long time that I learned about it. However I don't think that those experiences should reflect on who they are as individuals.
What I am attempting to explain and not explaining well is that it seems so shallow to me for confidence, insecurity, etc. to matter, and I don't understand why it does.
A question I have repeatedly thought about is if there are so many of us with low self-esteem, little to no confidence, and that struggle with feeling unloved and worthless, why are people so distrustful and judgmental towards others?
More factors confuse me with relationships too. Something I used to do because I hate the objectification of women in the media and the epidemic of negative body image is to compliment more women. What others felt was disturbing and threatening - it begs to be asked what kind of society takes compliments as threatening? - I thought, "What if we all complimented each other more?"  . I felt the same about honesty - what if we were all more honest and not afraid to say what we mean?
Perhaps I am over-analytical and idealistic but Gandhi one said, "Be the change you wish to see."
(A longer than I thought example of how I see the world.) Back onto the subject being discussed…
I didn't intend to "date" her at all - she said she had a BF. I knew that. All I wanted was to talk more and do something outside of her work. I do have a move card that allows myself and someone with me into movies for free, for example . Her BF is a "stoner" and she's only ever dated drug addicts and drug dealers. (He words, not mine.)
She wasn't offended or mean to me. She kept on telling me she would be too busy for one reason or another (ex. a wedding she is attending, work, etc.), and when I asked her if she'd be interested in attending a concert, she said she didn't listen to those artists, etc. I thought she was hinting at a no to me and that there was no use in continuing.
The club I am active in is the best place for me to socialize right now it seems. Many of the other members are historians, professors, political scientists, etc., so they treat me like one of their own kids  .
A love of bad puns - LOL  .
S4:
It wouldn't surprise me if I use the numbness as a defense mechanism - I have believed for a long time (since I was a child) that I am unlovable and will inevitably die alone.
Perhaps she was chatty; she said someone else said she was easy to talk to after I said she was.
Of all the times I've been in a relationship or became close to a woman it was when I was hateful, depressed, and wanted little to do with others. I am told that I came off as "confident," which was what made me attractive, for whatever reason, when in reality I was less confident than I am now. The last relationship I had I met her no more than a week or two after I was discharged from the hospital; I was institutionalized for a month after I attempted suicide. She was the best thing to ever happen to me  . And I was under suicide watch when I met my BFF.
Got to learn to be happy alone
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