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Mr. V, have you told your T that you feel like you are stuck in a rut? That might be a good starting point for a session.
Why do you have to be the best at something to have value? Lrt's look at it from a different perspective - only one person can be the best at something. Does that mean eveyone else who tried that thing is worthless? That would mean that most people in the world are worthless.
I'm struggling to offer you something useful. I remember the days I felt as you do. If I wasn't perfect I was worthless and needed to be punished. I'd SI as punishement. Sorry, I'm thinking as I typing. My need to be perfect and feeling I needed to be punished was the result of messages I got from others. As a kid I was never good enough because I wasn't perfect. Later I was punished by my husband (domestic violence) if I was not perfect. It took a ton of work in therapy for me to learn to accept myself warts and all. Today I'm a 58 year old woman who is thick in the middle with wrinkles and greying hair. I am FAR from perfect and I wear my grey hair and wrinkles with honor.
Hon, ain't nobody, nohow in this world who is perfect. Demanding perfection of ourselves is doomed to failure, which adds to that sense of worthlessness.
This is just my personal philosophy, but every human on the planet has value. Actually, I believe every living thing has value just by being.
I don't know your history. Has there been someone in your life who directly or indirectly told you that you had to be the best? Who gave them that power?
I used to teach people to ride horses. Some times I'd work with someone who was getting in their own way because they expected perfection. The stress of trying to be perfect preventing them from doing the best they could. I would give them an assignment to go out and intentionally make mistakes so they could see that the world did not come crashing to an end if they screwed up. Could you try doing the same?
Something else that worked for me, personally, was to tell myself that good enough is good enough. There were times I almost repeated it like a mantra.
I've babbled on here. I hope there was something useful for you.
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