Quote:
Originally Posted by SpiritOfAStorm
I am an only child, so when I was younger, I loved both my parents equally. Dad had his first heart attack when I was in Kindergarten or First Grade, memory is fuzzy on that now. He was in the hospital for what seemed like months. He had major surgery; when I was finally able to see him I couldn't just jump up in his arms, and that was tough.
He and mom started fighting cause of all the medical bills (this was the early 70's) and I learned to occupy myself and shut them out. I hated the yelling.
Dad worked hard, but he had repeated surgeries (for arterial schlerosis) and was out of work every couple of years (he had a good Govnt job with good benefits) and wasn't able to do as much. He had his right leg amputated at the knee in 1975 and that really limited him. Mom started working 2 jobs to help pay for everything and she became bitter and they really started figting more. Cursing, yelling; it was misery for me and I am sure for them too.
Dad retired on disability when I was 16, he couldnt get around all that well on his one good leg, it was weak.
I graduated in '84 and in '86 my mom was diagnosed with Dementia (Alzheimers) and so Dad and I became her caregivers. I turned to drugs and alcohol to cope. I was a wreck. Dad was strong but I could see he was internalizing his pain and it was eating him up.
We were never really physically close, no hugs often or anything like that.
He died when I was 24, and I was left to care for my mom. THAT was hell.
I had already met the woman who would become my wife, she was by my side the whole way! She loved me then like no one ever had...and if I had not screwed up so much of my own life she would still be here today.
But alas...we are friends and we raise our daughter to the best of our ability.
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Hi Spirit, it's me again. I read your posts and it's feels like you and my husband have lead parallel lives! Right now he and I are still living together after a screaming fight just after Christmas brought out some "truth" from him finally. We had decided to put the separation "on hold." After the last few days though, I have asked him to leave again. I know exactly how your wife feels. It gets to a point where we lose ourselves, and don't know who we've let ourselves become. I can't believe that the vibrant self confident woman I used to be is the tired angry person I see in the mirror. I can't believe that I've settled for so little from my husband in this marriage.
I want to go back to enjoying life again, to feeling like a healthy whole person. Since we've decided to "pause", I have been walking around unfocused and a little lost. When I had first made the decision to split, I was excited about my future and finding "me" again. With him still here, still lying, still not communicating, I feel like I am right back on the rollercoaster. Although he says he is doing online therapy, he doesn't discuss it with me. Last night I heard him come home from work and I got up to go to the bathroom. I found him engrossed in something on his phone as usual. I asked him what was up, and his instinctual response was to lie and say he was doing online therapy. I knew he was lying because he had quickly turned off his screen. I called him on it and he eventually told me the truth. He had been looking at porn (a disclaimer here - I could care less about the porn, it's the immmediate lying that I can't take anymore). He then rolled over and went to sleep. I have been up all night wondering how the hell I have stayed married to him for over ten years.
If you want my humble opinion about why your wife refuses to try again, here it is:
Having to initiate communication all the time is exhausting. Having to try and sift through the lies is exhausting. When you are in a marriage with a passive-aggressive man, it is so one sided. The only way you can stay is to compromise what you need from the relationship. You feel unloved. You know you and your happiness are not a priority to your husband. And there comes a point where the damage becomes so extensive that there is no more "forgiveness" or "getting over it" left.
I am sorry that your marriage reached the point of "no return" for your wife. IMHO, you are a good man with bad behaviors. Behaviors can be changed. I have no doubt that your wife probably still loves you, but broken trust is the hardest thing to move past. And I agree with everyone, the key to your happiness is what I've always told my husband he was missing SELF LOVE. Until you love yourself, there is no way you will allow yourself to be vulnerable and truly love someone else.
You deserve human contact and intimacy. Don't deny yourself that. I know it may be too soon to start "dating" per se, but even just being around other people in groups may help. And nyy anytime you need to PM me, I'm here!