Hi, long story short I've had depression for most of my life and I am a 23 year old male. I'm sorry for burdening anyone with this but I don't have anyone to talk to because I don't want to talk to my family because they just don't understand, and I've already told my therapist most everything and well that brings me to my problem. I've been seeing a therapist for about 3 months now and I feel like I've made no progress whatsoever. Well actually I feel more depressed after every time I go. I feel suicidal sometimes right after I visit and I don't know if I might lose it one day.

He is a joking-around type trying to always get me to laugh, which is understandable, but I don't think he really "gets" me. He doesn't seem to understand just how depressed I am and I don't feel that he knows what kind of treatment I really need.

After quite a few visits, he proposed that we purchase this self-help depression book, but its like, if I could help myself then I wouldn't be going to a therapist? I don't understand. So I did it anyway because I'm desperate to find a way to feel better even slightly, and yesterday was just horrible. I had a really low mood yesterday and I went in there and I just felt like I could barely speak, and I feel so sad and hopeless. The homework beforehand was to read chapter 1, so I did. In this session though, he read a couple passages from the chapter aloud and talked a little tiny bit about what he thought about it. Then he wanted me to talk about it, but I didn't have anything to say. I never know what to say, I really don't agree with this author and I don't find anything useful or helpful about this book. I said I don't have anything to say about it, and then my therapist just closes his book and says he won't make me do something I don't want to do, and we literally just sat there for 45 minutes doing nothing. I'm sorry but this is total ********, is this not? I am so confused.

I realize that this isn't even enough information for anyone to really help me but I am just so desperate... I don't know what to do anymore... I have such a hard time finding the right people in the medical field such as psychologists and psychiatrists. I've had already 3 really negatively impacting experiences that made me want to kill myself even more. I don't know if I can take much more of this.