Oh and don't even get me started on alcohol. I love drinking for the effect it has slowing my mind down, well or so it seems. But man when i drink in a party setting holy crap i go wild...Like I lose all sense of control. I know that is normal on alcohol for people. But the amount of control i lose is not normal. I start losing control so i drink to forget because i know i am gonna do something stupid. Its almost like for me i have built anxiety and depression as defense mechanisms to keep me in check. Because i cannot control myself otherwise. I was at party a couple months ago and my friend is typically the clown of the party. But he had to work. And apparently i was the clown in his place. They said that even though he was gone it was like he was there through me.( He has ADHD BTW) don;t remember any of it and glad i don;t. Alcohol is both a blessing and curse. Like all the defenses i built up and put in place come crashing down and its almost like the real me comes out drinking but I don;t like the real me. But i really don;t know who the real me is. I don;t really have an identity that i know.

And holy crap i am off my soapbox. This alphabet soup on a page........I guess good luck reading this.