I have not yet read the thread but I want to update with the thoughts that I have come up with independent of the feedback. It is a mixed bag.

1) As I continue to communicate with my son, I feel better. I have a goal to prepare the apartment for his visit, and I know that it is a good goal. Even as the relationship with the girls gets worse and worse, because their father instigates them and it is clear as day, and even as my lawyer warns me that we will need to go very very slowly due to the girls' animosity, I still feel good because I have something to look forward to in my hope that my relationship with my son improves. That alleviates the desire for another child. By a lot.

2) Age for having a baby only matters as a risk factor of abnormalities. Otherwise, I would be OK because my gfs/ age peers who had babies late are doing just fine. And I am a healthy person, when not on Topamax, so there should not be problems. Plus, I tandem-nursed Maria and Julia, meaning that while I was pregnant with Julia, I continued to breastfeed Maria. Maria now is a skinny girl but back then she was hugely fat with multiple extra chins and just simply off the charts - she was bigger than 95th percentile by height and weight. Julia was born at 9 pounds. So my body generated sustenance for a huge nursing child and a big fetus. And I was OK. I think if my body handled nurturing two babies at age 28-29, it can safely handle one at age 40+. One is easier than two. I see no issues.

3) What is different between my girlfriends' situations and mine is the amount of support.

Bff: husband, mother, grandmother, grandfather, FIL, MIL. Plus, she only works three days a week, as an archive worker at the main state history museum - low-stress occupation. Her grandparents are both for moral support so to speak but still. Lots of social support. And her mother lives within a few bus stops.

Lana: a widow, but has support from mother, father, deceased H's mother for emotional support, childless sister Veronica who moves in when Lana is in Paris, a nanny who also moves in when Lana is in Paris, and a cleaning lady. Lana works insane hours so she needs all of that support. Plus, having twins is extra hard. Her mother or father or both help the nanny so the twins are never left with one adult only.

Katya: divorced, has mother, father. Ex H only takes Anna for a walk once a week, so that can be discounted. I forgot to ask if he pays support but I doubt because she told me that she just recently kicked him out of her apartment after allowing him to live there for free for three years while she stayed with the parents. Katya is usually free in the mornings because being a jazz singer she works at night. So she spends time with Anna in the mornings. She breastfed Anna until almost one while being away for many days with the jazz band. She would pump and, crying, discard the milk. Day after day. And this way she saved the milk for Anna for when Katya would come back home. It is truly amazing and I am sure most women in Katya's shoes would take the easy way out with formula. Katya is not Madonna and she did not have the funds to hire a traveling nanny to take Anna with her on concert tours. So she did what she could.

Lena, my former teacher's daughter: lives with parents. Works as a German translator. Has a 3-y-o daughter, Lea. Has a H. H works a lot as a sys admin; works weekends often. Lea stays home - does not go to daycare. Lena stays with Lea and works at nights translating on a contract basis. Her mother does most of the cooking. Nice arrangement but I cannot work nights - I need to sleep to stay healthy.

While it seems wonderful to have that amount of support, there are drawbacks. Katya and her mother do not have the best r/s, and that is difficult for Katya. Bff has good r/s with everyone and so has Lana.

I can plainly see that my girlfriends would not be able to carry on without that extensive support.

The only way for me to have that kind of support is by pairing up with a guy who has relatives in the Bay Area. Most Americans in the Bay Area are from someplace else - Chicago, the East Coast, etc. It is extremely rare to see someone who is a Bay Area native. The only people with local relatives are immigrants from Russia, China, India, etc. It is probably not hard to start a r/s with a Russian immigrant, but when I think about what his parents would want to do to my future child - feed him or her thawed ice-cream, insist on wearing slippers and blow-drying hair and stepping out of a room when the windows are open, giving medications to no end for self-limiting infections that require no treatment - I do not even want to start thinking in that direction. Plus, all of those folks would be against extended breastfeeding - I know that. My parents were but I withstood their criticism. Bff did not - she weaned shortly before 2 because of incessant reprimands from both mother and father. I mean, I can be really assertive and strict and say that "this is how this baby will be raised, period" but I do not want conflict. So, for me, all that hypothetical support would come with a price. I remember how Emma, ex' mother, visited us and Julia, my younger daughter, was always running naked. I was totally fine with that. Emma could not believe what was going on and claimed that Julia would get cold and a kidney infection. I had to call our Pediatric Nurse Practitioner who approved our Julia's running naked (this was in Salinas in California Central Valley - the place from which you get your lettuce, and it is even warmer than the Bay Area) and explained that what matters is the core temperature of the body and it is incredibly hard to make that temperature go down. Emma still was not convinced. And all the other things that I do differently with children - I never ask them to finish their food, I allow to eat anything with anything (my Russian nanny did not permit milk with OJ - a typical American breakfast combo - for fear of a tummy discomfort), I do not give medications for fever below 40C and I am in general completely nonchalant about typical children's illnesses, and just a whole host of things that would create conflict if I were to get support from a Russian grandmother and grandfather.

So I have no good answer for myself here.

3) Extended breastfeeding. If I ever have a child, I would do extended breastfeeding as with Maria and Julia, for however long it is needed, 2, 3, 4 years, paying the price in the form of wrinkles (since I would not be able to use retinoids). It took me ten minutes to make that decision. During those ten minutes I observed Lana's twins, age 15 months. She weaned them at age 6 months. I observed them as they were transitioned from being outside in their strollers to having a meal in their high chairs. They cried, they fussed! I recalled that my daughters did not do that. Then I realized that they nursed during all of those transition moments. And that took care of everything. I certainly would not be able to deal with children crying so often during each transition. For me, to not breastfeed for many years would be akin to intentionally not using my right hand (I am right-handed) - sure, things still CAN be done, but with a lot of difficulty. Nope, I want an easy way out so I would breastfeed and screw the looks! Plus, Lana weaned by giving them pacifiers and I would not want my children sucking on thumbs or pacifiers. But that is minor - the major thing is that I only want to deal with things in the easiest possible manner.

4) Fertility treatments. During those same 10 minutes that I observed Lana's twins I confirmed that I would not be able to handle twins. They crawl in different directions! So, just confirming that absolutely no fertility treatments that increase the likelihood of twins.

5) Weight. I was skinnier after I gave birth to my son than pre-pregnancy, probably due to swimming every day during the pregnancy (and perhaps yoga, too). So with the right amount of exercise, it can be done without damaging effects.

6) Disease prevention. I would not get pregnant for that, obviously, but if I do have a baby for other reasons, it would be nice to know that with another pregnancy and another few years of nursing, the breast cancer risk would go down further. My mother died from metastasis from breast cancer. She only had me and she only breastfed for 11 months.

7) Outsourcing and extended support. Ex used to say that children need their parents and do not want nannies and other caregivers. So we always did everything by ourselves, never having a single date night because babysitters were off-limits. Well, I see that my girlfriends' children are happy even though they are cared for by a nanny or extended family. Anna called her mother Katya the best in the world! So it can be done. There are different ways to raise happy and well-adjusted children.

8) Migraines. By happenstance, I now have a non-pharmacological way of dealing with migraines. Hot showers, suggested by bff. Now I remember - my mother used to take hot showers for her migraines, and not just hot showers by directing the stream of water to hit the back of her neck. It does work. It provides relief for a couple of hours, and then you have to do it again. I ended up taking four hot showers. And then I had pain at 1-2 for the whole 24 hours. So now I know that even when I think that Imitrex does not work, it does - it reduces the duration of the attack by a lot. Even when it does not reduce the level of pain, it reduces the duration.

Of course, life is much easier with Imitrex, but hot showers are a doable alternative solution, so migraines during pregnancy are no longer a show-stopper.

9) Qualities in a hypothetical father - the most interesting part!

So, first H was also my former teacher's student and she knows him well and she considers him the most shallow person in the world. Second H - you know enough. So my teacher talked about the disastrous choices I made. I told her that it is not there were no other offers. She said that she did not doubt that for a moment, but the fact remains that faced with a choice I choose the worst. By the way I shared that idea of having another baby and people did not think it was completely crazy. My former teacher, Eugenia, worried about several things. First, that a baby would enslave me unless I actually enjoy. I said that I actually enjoy. In truth, in the past she told me that I should not have THREE cats because they would enslave me... she has one old cat. But I do have all three of them and I enjoy. So she said "fine". Her next concern was whom I would be with (we discussed a hypothetical third marriage, not a co-parenting arrangement without living together). Eugenia is just afraid of another disastrous choice.

That allowed me to formulate what I would be looking for.

When I was dating ex, he told me about all three former wives. First wife, no children, on neutral terms. She married a common friend. Ex is friends with him and completely neutral with her. Fine. Second wife. Divorced him and did not want him to communicate with the children from the States. So, conflict. That should have been a red flag. I disregarded. Third wife. No children. He filed for a restraining order when they were divorcing after a short marriage, AND he blamed her for ruining his r/s with all the p-docs and T's in the Bay Area that he knew and according to him had the misfortune of introducing her to. She is now a practicing T. He complained that he helped her in every way to advance her career and she then turned all his contacts against him by telling them stories. He never talks to her. Well, that part should really have been a red flag to me because he went on to blame ME for everything and he continues to threaten a restraining order against ME!!!

My lesson learned: if I date someone and he tells me the words "restraining order", I pick up and leave. Sure, it may not have been his fault, but one can never be too cautious. At my age, most people I might date would have exes. So I would look at how they deal with their exes. If there is a lot of conflict, name calling, blaming - out immediately. No excuses. I do realize that one can be an innocent victim, but with my history, again, one cannot be too cautious.

And here are the people who have amazed me in how they deal with exes and have earned my respect:

a) Lana. She was not formally married to her second H. H was going through a divorce. He died days before they were going to get married. His mother disapproved of his r/s with Lana and tried to block his divorce from his first W. But after his death, Lana was able to foster a really good r/s with her despite all that and the lady is a good grandmother to the twins who provides emotional support to Lana. Moreover, on her own initiative, Lana fostered a r/s with her deceased H's ex W and his 6-y-o son from his first marriage, and invites them regularly so that half-brothers could bond with each other. It just blew me away! What a civilized woman!!

She is also friendly with her first H. And, that reminds me, back when her first H and Lana got married, I heard the following story: for him, it was a second marriage. He was divorced and he was ... styling his ex W's hair for her to go on dates - he had had training as a hairdresser. Amazing! And totally foreign to me.

b) I had a bf (who eventually died from suicide). He and his sister were raised by the mother alone. His father left. He did not help at all. He remarried and had another son and another daughter. There was no contact between the two families. Then, the father committed suicide (a lot of inherited mental illness in one family). Then, the two widows, basically, started supporting each other emotionally. Amazing.

c) A man I met through OkCupid and told him just a tiny bit of what I am going through - the psych evaluation in order to see my daughters. To him, it was outrageous. He has good friendly r/s with all his ex lovers. All without exceptions. they are dear friends to him. It is unconscionable to him to first spend that kind of time, devotion, and energy on someone and afterwards to become enemies. I asked how he became this way. It turned out, his parents had an ugly divorce and do not talk to each other and it was so ugly that he made a choice, back then, to never repeat anything like that. And he has followed through. What a civilized man! That is what I need, b/c romantic r/s are volatile and you never know what will happen so I need a person who would remain a friend even when the romantic part is done.

d) Another man through the dating site. A very smart man who figured out that I am bipolar even though I only did small talk. Turns out, his ex wife is bp and he was very tired of living with her, but he did not use her disease against her and they have a perfectly 50/50 custody of their son who spends half to the week with each and on Wednesdays the mother drives the son to school and the father picks him up. Why did I not get such a man??

e) G. - best friends with ex wife. To the point of doing his weekly laundry at her (formerly, his) house because his apartment has no washer. Cute, for sure. Oh, and spends two evenings with her daughter she had with another guy. And his parents treat the girl as their own granddaughter.

So there are people who handle their exes in a civilized fashion. My first ex H would not even respond to two very nice emails with jokes that I sent him. After almost twenty years! And I did not do anything bad to him and in fact helped him get into the one of the best linguistics programs in the States. Still. And second ex H - even worse. Just think of all those years that I took AP's, probably for no reason, just because he thought that I had schizophrenia (he used to say to me that in the European classification my bp would be schizophrenia).

Sorry this is so long, I really wanted to share those amazing stories.

So that would be my litmus test - how a person has handled his past r/s. Nothing should be conflict-ridden at all.

10) By the way, Eugenia told me that eventually my daughters would come back to me but that may take years because they would need to become independent adults able to look at the world NOT through their father's eyes...

11) amnio - none of my girlfriends had amnios. Katya did not even know about it and, I think, 36 is just barely there, bff - did not say but I assume because she is seriously Christian, Lana because she heard of many false results with the need to retake the test and at any rate what would you do at 20 weeks with bad results? So none of them had it done. But I would if I get to that point. And T asked me about modern medicine and I said "absolutely, as much as I would want a low-tech birth I would want high-tech prenatal testing". No question about that in my mind.

12) Envy. When I realized that I might simply envy the sheer number a bit - ex has 4 children (two each with two wives) and G. has 4 children (likewise, two each with two women), I decided to slow down and take things easy . Envy should not be the driver of my actions! Plus, they are MEN - their kids come to them for free, with no pregnancy-induced migraines, no birthing pain, no maternity weight to lose, no nothing. I am a woman, after all! I need to think more.

13) Mania. Not manic. Has not been manic all that time. Proof? Very cautious shopping. Prior to the trip, went to REI (American chain of high-quality outdoor clothing and sports equipment) and bought everything for the trip in one hour. Did not overbuy. Well, did in terms of buying silk tights to wear underneath my jeans for very cold weather as a "base layer"... but D. told me it would be -20C and it was 0 C. So, not my fault. Further, was so reasonable that did not even shoplift when presented with a perfectly safe opportunity to do so - when I was trying the tights underneath my jeans, I realized that I could just leave the dressing room and not pay for them, but decided that I should not do that - I no longer have antisocial traits according to the recent psychological evaluation so I should behave accordingly and not shoplift. In Moscow, wanted to buy a vase. I do not have a vase and G. brings me flowers and I do not have a vase for them. Katya lives next to the oldest china store in Moscow which sells china, vases, and that kind of stuff. I did not buy a vase. Why? I thought through the consequences. It might break in transit. It would be expensive. And... Maddy and Tommy (two of my cats) like to jump to high places so they would eventually make it trip it and break. Therefore, I bought a simple 10 dollar vase from Amazon. If the cats break it, fine, I will buy a new one and no regrets. The ONLY thing I bought for myself in Moscow was Amitriptyline because it is dirt cheap there - $1 for a one month supply.

In the past, I would overbuy on my trips so much that I would end up having extra luggage and paying hundreds of dollars for it... insane. Nothing of this sort this time around.

Also, not manic because cooked a fair bit - three soups and two salads. Bought just the right amount of ingredients for the meals without overbuying, peeled, chopped everything in a uniform fashion, did all those careful, detail-oriented operations that one cannot do when manic. Katya even invited me to stay with her next time saying that she, too, wants a cooking guest!

14) just for the fun of it, came up with baby names that would qualify as names in Russian, English, and even German. Not much for boys - Daniel and Gabriel, but a whole lot for girls - Tanya, Nadya, Nina, Lena or Elena, Lana, Liza, etc. So I am prepared for the most important part of the deal already