Hi all. First time here. I came today because I just lost my millionth job, my marriage is falling apart, my house is a wreck, and I am not taking care of myself efficiently either. I really need support, guidance, and to not feel like I am alone with this anymore.
I have been struggling my whole life, anyone feel like that here ? Like they were cursed from the moment they were born, new problems just kept coming and old ones worsened?
I was diagnosed with ADD when I was a kid, but my father didn't believe I was and had my mother take me off the meds. Sometimes I still wonder if I am not struggling with it now.
I've always had emotional problems, I can remember being 12 the first time I thought about suicide, but I was just come down on hard until I behaved how my parents wanted me too. Everything blew up at 18 when I left home, I spiraled out of control and down hill quick and fast, like quick sand. I had no idea what had happened to me. Almost 10 years later I still feel shocked as if I have been riding in a tornado all this time.
Almost 2 years ago, I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 and PTSD, and Borderline Personality Disorder, maybe? I say maybe because I told them I think I have it but it was really unclear to me if they agreed or even checked that part out. I was put on some meds (mood stabilizer, anti anxiety, and anti depressant) and went to a DBT group therapy. I didn't finish the 8 week therapy group because I wasn't getting anything out of it, I was just starting new drugs, I felt strange, I couldn't focus, and all the people in the group distracted me, most whom were there out of requirement of the court. I really need one on one but with out insurance wasn't going to get it. I stopped taking my meds about a year ago because after 9 months on them I saw no improvement. In fact I was just as depressed and even more agitated. I started taking St. John's Wort and am not sure if it helps or not.
Anyway, right now and at this point, I am totally confused about what is really going on with me and I am totally overwhelmed and I do not know where to turn and how to get real effective help...I don't know if I am Borderline and misdiagnosed as Bipolar, If I am bipolar and my past and current relationships make me feel as if I am Borderline, or if I am in fact both, I am not sure if I really do have PTSD or not and from which of the many traumas it came from and how its affecting me now or if it isn't. I don't know if I am in a bad relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner or if I am not understanding my partner and my illnesses has turned the relationship bad. I do not know if I really have ADD and if it is hurting my ability to function or not. I do not know what is wrong or how to change.
All I know is that everyday is hard and some days are a nightmare and I want it to stop.
Taking a shower is hard, cleaning is hard, cooking is hard, leaving the house is hard, sleeping is hard, waking up is hard, keeping a job seems impossible. My relationships are hard. I am in almost complete isolation and thats hard, but being with people is even harder. Controlling my emotions is hard, being happy is hard. I can go on and on...I just want a way out and I want to get better. But most of the time I lack the drive and motivation to continue doing the things I try to. I set goals for myself. Clean up the house a little each day, cook dinner each day, go for a walk each day, take better care of myself each day, or just keep a part time job and I might get motivated enough to do it for one or two days randomly here and there but I always always always end up back in the same pattern of sleeping all day, binging on junk food, watching movies all night, chain smoking and not doing a da**thing. I feel completely worthless and hopeless and I am deathly afraid that I will never get better, that I am one of those people that are a lost cause, treatment resistant, etc and that I'll end up killing myself slowly from my weight, inactivity, and smoking and or I will end up divorced, homeless, completely alone and never having accomplished anything in life or ever knowing peace, stability, happiness or love.
Anyone ever been where I am and get out of it ?
Sorry for the rambling. I don't know if its really appropriate or not, but kinda desperate for someone to hear me and to get answers. Thanks