From what you have described about your father, I feel that he did not have the ability to cope or care about "any child" never mind a child with special needs. I bet that he most likely was abused or neglected himself and his father failed him too.

Most likely the anger he expressed to you was out of his "fear", when men have fear, they often respond with "anger".

When I was growing up, my older brother had problems, but at that time nothing was known about learning disabilities or Autism/Asburgers. And my brother was a difficult child and my father's answer was "discipline in a shed out back". Now that I look back, today I am sure a neighbor would have reported the way my father treated my brother as "child abuse".

One day years later I was out on my father's small boat with him and after he had a couple of beers (I knew that was when I could talk to him) we talked about my brother. Things were being learned about troubled children and he was slowly realizing the way he handled my brother was wrong. He told me that when he got married and had children, he had no idea "how to be a father". He told me that his father was hardly ever around, and was an alcoholic, so he really didn't have anyone to show him or teach him how to be a parent.
Then he wept, and that was something I never saw him do, and he talked about wishing he had been a better father and helped my brother more. He said that my brother was just so difficult and didn't want to do or take interest in whatever he tried to do with him and it was very frustrating.

I didn't tell my father that my brother abused me, I always felt that it would just hurt my parents. But I was really moved by the fact that my father truely felt guilty about how poorly he raised his son. And my brother is still holding onto anger for my father. He does talk to him, but the conversation has a tone of my brother needing to "put my father down" somehow. I have told my father that he will express his anger, and that all my father can do is appologize and tell my brother he is proud of how he managed to overcome so much and make his way.

I think that your father was an angry, confused, and frightened man.
He most likely felt like a failure himself, and he could not seem to "drink it away either". And I am sure that he never even asked for any kind of help either and as you know he ended his life.

I know you struggle with questioning "if your father hated you" but you have to understand that, he didn't know "how" to love and raise a child. And when you talk to your mother and ask her these questions, you have to also realize that you are asking a woman that didn't know how to deal with so many things either.

When you are working through your challenges and the PTSD V, you have to try your best to step outside your own pain and low self worth/anger, and see the "real picture". And that isn't always easy, because it can be "really sad", I have been struggling with that myself.

There will be certain things you have to "forgive" too, because you will begin to realize that your parents were "ignorant" people and that did cost you and resulted in how you are challenged today. And there is also going to be a certain amount of "anger" that comes out too.

The other thing that you have to also realize is that many of the things you feel are also felt by a lot of other people too. And that is also sad and so "wasteful".

I put up that song that Michael Jackson wrote and sang. Well, look at him. His father was "abusive" too. He was a very "gifted" child, very sensitive and even though he was in the lime light, he was often very lost and didn't really have a "normal" childhood. In a way, he self harmed too because he was constantly trying to change his appearance. And I honestly think he suffered from PTSD too, because he often used drugs to dull his inner pain and shut it off somehow.

He was also "very misunderstood" and I personally don't think he abused children, I think he was just constantly trying to find a way to "fix" the child in himself that never really felt safe. I don't think he felt at all comfortable about sex either, that was a very confused area in him. He at least was able to "talk through his songs" and was a very creative soul searching person. But I honestly feel that he never truely found his way to finally feeling "balanced" inspite of his personal history. He was after all, only human.

It is important that you understand V, that the list you have that I wrote out, is a list that "many" people have. You are not as "separte" from, as you may think. And we are all designed to "learn and share knowledge", and that is what really ends up bringing "balance". It isn't about what we think are our limitations either, it is about learning how we "can" find out how each of us "does learn and achieve" because there really is no "norm or one way we learn".

Often when people feel alone and don't understand why others will not "listen" or "help them or give to them" the answer is mostly that people just don't know "how" to help others, or even themselves.

Our understanding of the "human brain" is really just in it's infancy right now. We have made so much progress in the past ten years alone. However, there is still a lot of "ignorance" in society right now.

As I learn about my own "challenges" V, I can see all the times I expressed "the warning signs that I was being abused". And I can see all the times I was "further abused and misunderstood". It has been really hard for me to finally see that about myself. My parents are in their late 80's now and I look at them so differently now, because I can see their "ignorance" and not only how it hurt me, but how it hurt them too. And they are too old now for me to share with them what I have learned too. And I have to simply just accept the fact that there will be things they will just never really know.

It is easy for anyone to reply to you, "your father was a sick mean man and blame him, curse him, ect" But that is "placing anger and blame" and not taking the time to connect all the dots.

It is not just about seeing the "victim" in ourselves, it is also about understanding the "victims" that have hurt us too. And as we begin to understand and slowly walk away from our "own ignorance" we can begin to find more balance, and even do what we are really designed to do as human beings, and that is "share" our wisdom and growth with others.

Open Eyes