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Jan 12, 2013, 05:24 PM
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Who:
We have so much in common it's incredible  .
When I was in school I used to carry what I called my "Bug Binder" around with me; it was a binder I made full of information on tarantulas, true spiders, centipedes, scorpions, etc.
But almost no one is able to accept that I have special interests. The interests I have creates as much difficulty as a lack of social skills. It's an understatement to say that people are afraid of me because of what I am interested in, as if I some kind of immediate threat to them.
I have terrible handwriting…
Many of the worse SI scars I have are on my arms, and since I always wear t-shirts, it can disturb others that see them.
People tell me the same, to be active socially, meet new people, etc. etc., but that doesn't stop everyone I meet from writing me off when they first meet me. And I am told to feel better about myself, to be confident, because that's attractive, but how the hell am I supposed to do that when I am rejected by everyone I meet? It's hard to develop self-esteem when I have no one to talk to or interact with that can help me or that cares about me.
I don't feel eye contact is too much of an issue. As I said, I am usually behind tinted sunglasses when out in public, so a lot of people can't see my eyes, and therefore can't tell where I am looking. All the girls I have approached in the last year have never seen my eyes because I am wearing prescription sunglasses.
What I scares me is that I will reach middle age or older and still have never experienced what it is like to be in a real, meaningful relationship!  . The anxiety and phobias I have notwithstanding, I have never experienced so much, like sex, hugs (I have experienced those briefly but it's been so long I have forgotten I think), and the whole being close to someone.
I observe those on TV and in real life, with relationships, friends, etc., and I think, "Why can't I experience some of that?" . I do virtually everything alone, and I don't see that changing in the near future.
And whenever someone does like me, eventually they won't, and that's not negative thinking, it's what has happened to me. Last July was when my best friend decided to stop talking to me. I don't know why she did that. I can't know why because she won't talk to me. She was an Internet friend of 5 years and I travelled to her country (USA) to meet her in 2009. I was planning a trip to Seattle to see her.
All of it disappeared overnight. It's not the first time it has happened either. Whenever a friend of mine decides to stop talking to me, they disappear on me and leave me alone thinking, "What happened?" 
It makes me think that I am destined to live alone forever, and that's painful and depressing to think about.
I am tired of always being alone .
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