Just a caveat...please dont think I am writing about this to come off like a total poser or d-bag. I feel kind of weird writing about this because I dont want you guys to think poorly of me or that I am attention seeking or bragging or anything...my life was quite different back then. Before I took a turn and took the road less traveled, so to speak...

Back in the day, I used to hang out with or were exposed to several celebs and some dignitaries. They were simply people in my circle. I really didnt see any of them other than people (warts and all). What they did for a living was just a job. Just like anyone else.

Two of them in particular became quite well- known. And continue to be in the front lines to this day. It is virtually impossible to get away from their names, pix, life stuff, activities, etc because to do so would be the eqivilent to literally living under a rock.

Last night, I dreamed of one of them, par usual, but this time it was a different message. It was sad and disturbing actually, and I woke up feeling really sad. Mostly because when the guys come up in my dreams it is usually in a positive way. With a nice message / meaning.

This time, though, I went over to have a convo with him, and he was sitting next to someone he used to be involved with (I think they were married, actually, but divorced badly). I never knew her but I knew of her.

The thing with him is that he has a pattern of attracting a certain type of woman. He was interested in me and pursued me but I wasn't intrested. Over the years, I have observed that every single woman he has become involved with was vulnerable and "damaged" in some way. I felt bad about that but it also always stuck with me because I wondered if he wanted to be with me because I was "damaged" in some way, too.

Since the recent incident with my family, work issues and struggling so much...and now a new guy being interested in me, and feeling that I am not good enough, he was in my dream agsin last night. But when I was chatting with him, he didnt know who I was and he was taking quick notes about me while we were talking. He brushed me off a bit. Then, he showed me his notes of his impression of me. It was really hurtful. I know too in my dream he was keeping notes on every woman thst talked to him and was rating them on a scale of safe to be around. Posing a threat, or completely benign.

He noted that I was moderately concerning to be around (my personality in terms of being "normal") and somewhat of a threat to his well being (too clingy or annoying in a way that eould disrupt his life) I was stunned and surprised and really hurt.

Especially because of the baseline of the women in his life, irl. The one now being the most screwed up and bizarre of all, imho.

That said, I know this came up because (a) I am questioning myself regarding the label from my pdoc and (b) because of what I am currently struggling with in terms of family and work and finally (c) because the new guy is showing interest in me and it is scaring me because I feel like I am a mess

I hate too that it was this particular person, this particular guy, that judged me because irl he has a lot of problems of his own.

I guess the bottom line is that my self esteem is wayyyyy worse than I thought.

(Thanks for reading)