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Jan 12, 2013, 07:22 PM
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OE…
I am not "back in therapy" - I never stopped. In fact, I will always be in therapy, because I have no one else I can talk to about anything.
I've had a female therapist now since about March, 2011. We have definitely talked about the abusive pass that I have; indeed, she was the one that diagnosed me with Complex PTSD.
What I would like and what I think would be far better than a therapist is to have someone I can connect with on a personal level, if that makes sense. Frankly, I am unable to relax or let my guard down around even the best of therapists, because I am too hidden behind emotional walls to allow myself to do that. The first and only time I ever cried in front of a therapist was in 2012, and I am still stung, i.e. ashamed, that I did that. But having a more intimate relationship ( <---- like that) would mean so much to me  . It's way different than sitting on a chair and talking for an hour and a half. I've been doing that for at least a decade now.
Lizard…
I love hugs; it has been a long time since I had one .
It's difficult to answer that. Never have my expectations for myself ever been the same as the expectations I have for others (or my critters for that matter). I would never criticize someone for not being perfect.
When I think about or see myself all I see are flaws, mistakes, bad, and failure. Bad skin, bad school scores, crooked teeth, rejection, etc.  .
I can't explain the double-standard that I have. Perhaps I am used to it? I mean, my dad didn't ever mind mistakes others made, mostly it was me that couldn't make mistakes. My sister could make mistakes, she even failed a few grades, but that was okay with him!
I don't know how to fix those mental tapes
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