Your story sounds similar to mine. In the sense that I have felt cursed my whole life. Many times wondering if I was a monster because I got no real answers about what was wrong with me until adulthood. Yet as far back as I can remember, I have known something wasn't right with the way I felt and acted.
I have wrecked many relationships throughout my life and problems just seemed to constantly come up.
Even without insurance, most states have programs through county hospitals to provide medication and DBT Therapy.
I would highly recommend DBT, even if you feel medication doesn't work for you. My DBT therapist always stressed that the therapy was vastly more important than medication to my recovery anyway.
With that being said, perhaps you just haven't found the right medication. I was on many different types throughout my life until I found what worked for me.
Lexapro (Escitalopram) 20 MG, starting dose was 10
Abilify (Aripiprizole) 2 MG
You may have to try all sorts of different ones until you find one that is effective for you.
Best of luck.