((((Penny))))

I am sorry that you're struggling so much in working past pre-teen developmentally. Are you seeing a T regularly? Have you talked about this continuing issue with him/her? If not, please do. Getting through deeply held beliefs and discomfort isn't an overnight process. It takes time to work through the cause/s and come up with new, healthy ways of dealing with the dark emotions and memories.

Gentle hugs to you...