Not to put the "F" word out there unnecessarily, but many feminist writers have written about how the roles of wife and mother encourage women to put others first, at the cost of their own needs. I think much of my own therapy has revolved around feeling that it's not only okay, but necessary, for me to put myself first at times. To some extent, parenting is all about putting your kids' needs first, but that burden can be shared with one's spouse and it doesn't do irreparable harm for kids to be able to wait for what they need, in age appropriate ways.

I don't think of it as selfish. I think of it as balance, like a checkbook. There is a cost to always making withdrawals and never making deposits.

But on the religious piece of it, I am the spouse whose partner went on his own spiritual journey, with little thought of the blowback it would have on our marriage or our family. We went from going to services on the high holidays in the fall and hosting seders in the spring to doing none of these things together. I've bagged organized religion altogether and he goes to services with our son most Saturdays. It has taken a long time for me to find my peace with his fanaticism, because my beliefs clash with orthodoxy in pretty much every way, at very deep levels. At the same time, I think it is important to give your partner the space and time they need for their own journey, however much you might dislike what that journey is. That is part of loving someone, in my opinion, that you don't hold them back from growing.