(((Lonely))),

Welcome to the PTSD forum, and I see you are a fairly new member to PC too, I hope you are finding it helpful and a good source of "support" too.

What you are discribing in your post is a very troubled history that you most likely thought you just survived somehow and was supposed to "just get over" and "move on". Unfortunately this history left you with "psychological" scars that you could not drink or drug away, or really "hide from" either.

It is not unusual for people who suffer from abuse to get to a point in their life where they just break somehow, and don't quiet understand "why" either. And there is often alot of anger there that the victim in that person doesn't know what to do with as well.

The fact that you are now clean is a really good start to your personal "healing" process. I hope that you are also involved in an AA program because that program helps people keep on track with accepting themselves and life challenges in a much "healthier way" and there is alot of support in that program.

What I recommend you also do is find a good therapist that specializes in PTSD and helping these patients learn how to finally heal from their past and understand themselves better. You need to find a T that you feel "safe" with too, and a T that can listen to you as you talk about your past and how you struggle now.

You can also come here an post or vent or share whatever you need and there are several members here that are good listeners and are also "very supportive". You are not as alone as you think.

Actually, the fact that you are alone is also a plus because the healing process takes a while, and often people who don't have PTSD just don't understand the challenge of it, and they can add more challenge to it just by not knowing how to understand you.
You will do much better with a good therapist and support groups that will validate you, and remind you to be patient and give yourself some time to heal. And, the program is also helpful because you will have access to others that will also support you in your ongoing effort to stay sober and learn to live your life in healthier ways.

This is a time in your life right now for healing, and it really is time for you to finally take time to do just that, finally allow yourself to heal.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes