I am pregnant and I have been struggling with anxiety and depression all of my life. It has been far worse since I've been pregnant-I spent a night in the hospital at 6 weeks with severe, nearly constant panic attacks. I also have a 3 1/2 year old son who is in ABA therapy and who we are trying to get assessed for autism. This diagnosis (which we are almost certain of based on feedback from his preschool, his therapist, and my knowledge of psychology w/ an advanced degree) has pretty much put me over the edge.

I can't cope with my son being autistic, and I can't cope with the potential for this next child to also be autistic, of which there is a significant chance. I met with his school on Friday and they told me he isn't welcome back next year. Since then I have been in a spiral. There is nothing that I can tell myself or hear from anyone else that will make it okay in any shape or form. I find I am alienated/distancing from my son, both because of my lack of interest in doing things, my withdrawal bc of depression, the pain when I see the symptoms of autism, and because he strongly favors my husband.

I'm terrified of having this new baby and managing taking care of him and my existing son, even if the new baby is neurotypical. The strong likelihood of my son getting this diagnosis literally feels like the end of my world. Like I said, it feels like there's nothing redeemable. Yes, I will still love my son, yes, he is not severely autistic. Yes, he is still wonderful. But an autism diagnosis is huge, obviously-and this is very, very new for us. It was just 4 months ago that we started to believe that something was wrong, and less than a month that I truly believed it was autism.

I can barely eat or sleep. My mind is racing a million miles a minute. I'm pacing the floor, crying hysterically at the drop of a hat. I recognize my cognitive distortions and I am trying to do CBT work with myself but it's not helping. I don't want to do anything, nothing that I enjoy. Nothing has any meaning anymore. I think about terminating this pregnancy, divorcing my husband, running away...part of my mind knows all of that is completely out there, but it doesn't make it any less real. When my son is at school I'm supposed to be relaxing, but I'm super tense the whole time, worried, crying, a mess. I can't stay off of Google, looking at things about autism, looking at things about depression. It's compulsive. I'm trying to find something to make myself feel better but it's not working. I "know" our lives will go on, but I'm just in this acute grief, so sad for my son, sad for us and what we wanted to experience as parents that I think was stolen from us.

The night before last I woke my husband up at 2:30 am, sobbing and pacing, telling him I wanted to go to the psych hospital. The last time I was at the hospital I was put on Remeron, which does help me sleep for a least a couple of hours a night and has helped me to function-barely. But I'm obsessed that the antidepressants caused my first son's autism (I was on prozac while pregnant) and that I am dooming this one too). My thoughts are irrational.

I'm going to try to re-start intensive outpatient treatment tomorrow. I don't know how to make it through the day, even through the hour. I have to take care of my son, but all I want to do is stare at the tv and escape.

Please just say something. That you understand how I feel because you've been there. How you have made it through when it feels like you can't live through the day. I can't think of a lifetime of this. I know I'm a terrible mom, but my son is driving me crazy and our time together is not pleasant, for some reason it's worse too when my husband is around.