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Originally Posted by Sadley
Thanks for replying. I read what you said and I know that I am not alone in depression but I still can't help but feel totally alone. My therapist makes me want to call and stop my sessions and never say goodbye. He says he wants at least one additional session if I do decide to quit so that I can tell him what he did "wrong". But I don't believe in right or wrong, or anything else, I just don't think this is helping me at all.
I have a real problem making decisions, so I don't know what to do, if I should just call the receptionist and tell her I'm not going anymore, or if I should really go back. I don't think I can go back. Oh yeah, well on Thursday whenever it was so quiet for a long time he finally asked me what I was thinking about, and I said, "that this is just not going to work" and I don't even remember what he said after that but the impression I got was he really didn't care. He just wants to joke around and he can't see what I really need I don't think.
I just want to give up. There is nothing in life that gives me pleasure, no joy in my life at all. I think I'm too far gone to even go along with these "self-help" books, they require you to have hope as a precursor and write down in exercises what steps you can take to help yourself, but for me I would just write down, "there is nothing that can help me", and "I didn't find any key ideas in this chapter that were useful" because truthfully they weren't useful because I have no will to live, no self-control, no motivation at all.
I know that he is trying to get me to open up and talk and whatnot, but I feel like no matter what I say, he still won't really understand me. And I don't have any needs, wants, or expectations of my therapist because I don't want anything from this world, I just want to die. I hate everything and I just can't function or live.
I feel totally not-in-control of anything. I feel like everything that will happen will happen regardless of anything we think we might be trying to change or do different.
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Sadly- I am so glad you replied. I hope that each time you post, read our replies or reply yourself, you feel that there is a spark of hope and understanding. Those of us "older" (AHEM) folks who have dealt with this for so long, really take it to heart when someone is battling and want to spare you any grief and pain that we can! Like I said earlier, in my early days doctors wanted to ignore you and not acknowledge the problems or put you to sleep so you weren't a bother. The next generation had everything blamed on the parents and nothing was solved as well. Now days it seems they want to give you a new pill and pick it apart for EVER! But you are communicating to all of us here! It is a very vital step and you should be proud! This T may not understand you, true. BUT that is probably because he isn't qualified to help every person who comes in and he CERTAINLY isn't going to say that he isn't! It is not your responsibility to justify your decision to your T! Sounds like he is looking for some sort of validation and when he doesn't receive it, is likely to get defensive. So, seek out a new T. Ask your medical doctor or someone if they can recommend someone. Many insurance companies have a Mental Health program and can probably assist you with finding someone. As for the self-help books... well there is a time and place for those, but it doesn't sound like you are there yet. I couldn't find help in them for a long time either. Once I started getting things back into place and had some perspective, I found a lot of help in them. The first one I ever read completely and that made any sense to my situation was "Perfect Daughters: Adult Daughters of Alcoholics". After that I found some really good ones and still a lot that left me thinking WTH!? Not everything is going to work for everyone, but there is something out there that will. I hope that by seeking out this site and posting your story here that you will realize that you have more hope than you may think. You matter! It matters! We all matter! We have been there and we may not have a PhD, but we have ears (OK... literal people... we have EYES in this case), heart and experience. Drop me a line if you would like. I am not on here often, but will look for you when I am. Wishing you sunshine and sending you hugs!
