this sounds like nothing new to me.
I understand completely.

the purging will pass.
replaced by something else, something just as bad.
it can be hell, and is, and was, and will always be until something breaks the cycles.
anything, god let something break them, right?

for me it was fear that broke my cycle.
I was just a breath away from doing it right when I got help.
just one more breath away from ending it all.
but it was fear that broke my cycles. fear of being discovered when I was thrown into an anger management course that I couldn't get out of.

that was my big break in life.
that's when I started cutting again.
but again, this is about you.
when moods run astray.... they call you bipolar....
when emotions run astray.... they call you borderline....
I still run from that diagnosis....
they would call you and me borderline....
if we let them......
but they already call us bipolar....
and surely we are that.

is it punishing ourselves that we are doing, cuz surely we grin when others would weep.

is it our tendency for self harm?

maybe it's our way of destroying ourselves in a way that will show this world that they are powerless to do it right and that we will show the world how much more we can hurt ourselves... that the world is powerless and just watch this!

i know it's not a choice.

i know.

i do it too.

we all do it in our own way.

I am just like you. but I am heavily medicated. and it does make things better. but there are some things that it can never ever ever help.

but it does make things better.

hang in there. it will get better.
not perfect... but better. you know what you need. you know what you will tell the doc.

it may not be everything, but it's what you will need at the time.

no need to beat yourself up about it.