I've been where you are many times, but there is HOPE. A good doc & therapist can help you get your quality of life greatly improved. Don't blame yourself for past mistakes. You just did the best you could under the circumstances & with the skills you had at the time.

I had a premature baby due to my abusing alcohol & smoking. But I was undiagnosed with bipolar I & couldn't cope any other way. I have guilt, but I know I didn't do it to harm the baby but because I was in such pain & had no skills to cope other than numbing myself with alcohol. But I was able to be helped (after a year of experimenting with medications) & I couldn't believe how good I could feel. I've never felt like that before. I still have my dips & had an "episode" about a month ago, but I'm still optimistic that my life will be more good than bad. With proper treatment, I bet you will, too.

Take care & keep posting. Have hope.--Suzy