I am seeing T this afternoon to explain to him why I am taking a short break. I've been seeing him twice a week, but I've decided to take this week and next week off (and see him next Friday). I know to some people that's not even a "break", but to me it is.

I saw him on Friday and we worked really hard. Actually *I* worked really hard and he supported me. I did something that I couldn't believe I could do (wrote a letter to my child self and told her what I would have done for her if I were her mom) and it was such a good thing to do, but it made me so sad, too, because there it was in black and white - all of the things I didn't get, and that I'll never get.

I asked T at the end while we were still on the couch if I could have a hug and he said of course or something and while he was hugging me, I said "I just want my little part of have a hug" and T started staying "well, you can find ways to hug her, too, blah blah blah" and it was SUCH bad timing. I had spent 90 minutes working SO hard to take care of her and I just needed someone to take care of her and me for just a minute. It made me sad. I *know* I am responsible for my own healing, but I just wanted that moment of comfort.

He didn't leave me a message after session like he usually does, but waited until the next afternoon. I had left him a message explaining why I just needed that moment of comfort, and telling him that I REALLY do get that I am responsible for taking care of myself. I guess he didn't understand my message and that's why he waited to reply - or something. I didn't quite get what he was saying.

So we exchanged e-mails over the weekend, and I really thought I was okay with the whole thing...sort of like, well our issues may have bumped up against each others, or this is one of those moments where we have to deal with each other's craziness, or whatever. I REALLY thought I was okay.

But then I started to feel sad

On Sunday morning, something came up that brought up a LOT of my fears from last year, and I realized that there is really no way, other than a HUGE leap of faith, that I'll ever REALLY be able to trust my T again. I know even without that deep level of trust, he could still help me, just in a slightly different way. We don't need to be so so so connected for him to listen to my story and my day to day struggles and help guide and support me. But last year, when another client was lying about me and HE WAS BELIEVING HER instead of me, it was just super damaging. And even though I thought we had moved past it, I think I am always going to have this fear (and probably be right) that she is still telling lies about me, and whether T believes her or not, those things will still be in his head, somewhere.

So. I'm back to not knowing if I can continue. It's not really T's fault, or mine. It's just that it's a crappy situation and I think I'm losing faith that it can better.

I'm going to take the next couple of weeks to see what life feels like without T...no e-mails or phone calls or whatever...and to see if I can get the support I need from myself, and my friends, and my writing. I might call a couple of other therapists to see what that feels like. And then I'll go next Friday and tell T what it felt like and what I decided.

Or I might NOT go next Friday...it might be too painful. I'm bringing all of his "stuff" back to him today, just in case.

This just feels like long, drawn out grief.