S4ndm4n, thank you so much for the thoughtful and through reply. My therapist basically told me the same thing today. No matter how bad my temper and arguments were, there is no excuse for breaking the sacred trust that marriage implies.

He told me wanting to reconcile is fine, but that I am letting her off the hook by taking 100% of the blame and feeling guilty. He said not to let her off scot free. I won't do that... but I also know that I had a hand in hurting my wife (not causing her to cheat... that's wholly on her). I want us both to heal... both to grow... both to fix this.

I think her coldness and detached nature right now is guilt. She won't admit it... but she feels horribly guilty.

I still want to fight for our marriage and love... but I want to do it as partners, not adversaries.